You'd let me go!?

"Right now, there's a boy digging for food in a garbage heap in India. Right now, a little girl is crying for food in Uganda. Right now, a child in Afghanistan goes to sleep having never heard the name of Jesus. This is the moment you were made for: to use your gifts to give others life."

This was an excerpt from our advent reading a couple nights ago. After we read it Ella said, "Mom, when I'm older I want to go to those places and help those people and tell them about Jesus."

"I know you do...and you will," I said. 

"Well, aren't those places dangerous?" She asked. 

"Yes, some of them," I told her. "But, you'd still let me go?" she inquired. 

Fighting back tears, I said, "Baby, your daddy and I are doing our very best to prepare you for it."

I could tell she was surprised and a bit concerned at the fact that I would let her go to a "dangerous" place. Especially since she's not allowed to cross the street without holding my hand. So, I reminded her that she is one of my greatest gifts from the Lord, but she belongs to Him first and foremost. I told her part of my job was to make sure she obeyed her Heavenly Father. I reminded her that she was made to glorify Him and to do all that He has called her to do. I told her that dangerous places are only dangerous if Jesus isn't with her, and He is always with her. I told her the only truly "safe" place is in His will. I told her that I agreed with what it said in the book that "when our hearts are filled with love, it makes our hands brave."  I  told her "if" and more likely "when" the Lord called her to do something scary, He would make her brave. And then I thought about that conversation as I fell asleep. And I woke up thinking about it as well. 

Part of my morning reading was Revelation 10:10 which says, "And I took the little scroll from the hand of the angel and ate it. It was sweet as honey in my mouth, but when I had eaten it my stomach was made bitter." This book of prophecy was given to John. He was so aligned with God and what he wanted him to do that the words were "sweet" to him. However, the contents were bitter. There were awful and terrible things going on in the world, grievous persecutions of God's people. To know and deliver these prophesies would be difficult. When we read and study Gods word, he teaches us. When we obey, it goes well with us and provides our souls with nourishment. The sweetness of His words is mixed with bitterness sometimes when the task He's calling us to do is difficult. On a smaller scale, that's how I felt after my conversation with Ella. It is my call to let her go, it is my nature to hold on. I was encouraged by the work He is doing in her heart, but burdened at my task of letting go. I was happy and sad at the same time.  I know that we are called to "go and make disciples of all nations," (Matt28:29) I know we are called to "keep His commands," (Jn 14:15), I know we are to love Him "with all of our heart, soul and mind," (Matt 22:37) I know I am to teach her "while we are sitting in our house, and when we are walking by the way, and when we lie down, and when we rise" (Deuteronomy 11:19). Those are sweet words that I long to obey. But, at the same time my stomach felt "bitter" for the HUGE responsibility He has given Matt and me to shepherd her on earth, but more importantly...to send her off.

If I'm being honest the thought of my children being a world away on mission terrifies me to the core. But, that's my flesh. MY heart knows, that it knows, that it knows that He WILL hold them in His hands the whole time wherever He takes them. More than mom and dad, I need her to know Jesus is her ultimate provider, protector, teacher, deliverer, comforter, leader and friend. I know they're not mine to hold onto. God didn't give me my kids for ME. He made them with someone else in mind and they have a job to do. Ella is already burdened by those that are hungry and living in poverty, she already has a heart for the lost and an urgency to share Jesus with those that don't know Him. The Lord has given her gifts, gifts that other people NEED her to use. 

Psalm 139 says children are arrows to shoot out. Because I married a bow hunter, I know that an arrow by nature can only be an arrow and do it's job if it is let go. Our most important and most difficult job as parents is to prepare them for His tasks. As a parent I want to protect her, coddle her, make sure she's safe. I hate it when she comes home from school sad or with hurt feelings. I'd take the hurt from her if I could, but any sheltering I do now would be detrimental to her spiritual walk. My time is best spent teaching her how to handle hard situations by looking to the One who created her for guidance and comfort. The christian walk is paved with hardships and fueled with persecution, struggle is promised. 

It is my prayer that I adequately prepare her for His calling and for that moment that she will walk out of my door and into a broken and depraved world that either doesn't know Him at all or knows Him, but neglects to love and follow Him. 

Father, help me equip her with everything good to do your will (Hebrews 13:21). And help all of us to be so intertwined with your Spirit that your words are sweet no matter how daunting the task.

To the woman considering abortion:

I read a letter several days ago on Facebook. It was written by a woman to the baby she was going to abort later in the week. I could hardly finish the letter, I could barely read it through tears. I was a mess, a sobbing mess. Not just because of the decision she was making, but also that there was a "decision" to be made. So, I put it down and prayed for her. I've prayed for her daily since. I don't know if she's real or not, obviously you can't believe everything you read on the Internet. But, even if she's not, there are women just like her....considering abortion, feeling overwhelmed by the call to parenthood and believing the same lies. There were things in the letter that I simply couldn't get out of my mind, lies and fears that I know too many women believe and if only they knew the truth I couldn't help but think they'd make a different decision.

1. The lie: "Next time I see those blue lines I'll be ready." The truth: You won't. Nobody's ever "ready." Well, not nobody, but in most cases we're not ready. Even those of us that get pregnant in the best or most ideal circumstances. Being responsible for another life is a big job. The doubt we have in our ability to do that will inevitably surface at some point. It may be when we first see those blue lines, for some it will be later in the 2nd or 3rd trimester or maybe even a month or so after birth. The lie is that we don't "feel" ready, but the truth is when the Lord calls us to be parents, He will equip us with everything we need to do it. That doesn't mean it will be flawless or easy. Most things that are worth it aren't easy. 

2. The lie: "I don't feel the joy and enchantment a pregnant mother is supposed to feel." The truth: Not all mothers feel joyful right away. And this is SO very normal. I wish more women knew it. Our feelings are a tricky thing. And sometimes we have to lead our feelings, not follow them. The hormones that come with pregnancy can be downright scary. We can feel so unlike ourselves, so "all over the place," so overwhelmed and not even know why. If we don't feel joy right away it doesn't mean we will be bad parents. Finding out you're pregnant can be unnerving, especially under bad circumstances, but the joy will come. And it will go again, but it will return. Pregnancy is a roller coaster of emotions and we just can't give into everything we feel. Not feeling joy or enchantment right away doesn't mean that you won't eventually and it certainly doesn't mean you should have an abortion.

3. The lie: "I can't be a mother right now, I'm not done growing myself." The truth: No, you're not, I'm not. We won't ever be done growing and we should be thankful for that. The ugly truth: You're pregnant, so you ARE a mother. Someone once said that when we have a baby we ourselves are babies as parents and as our child grows so do we. And it's true. Our babies don't come with manuals. We learn as we go, everyday. And everyday we're faced with situations that we don't know what to do with. As a parent, for every thing you do right you'll feel like you did 1,000 things wrong. But, we keep learning and our Father in Heaven keeps lavishing His grace upon us. It'd be nice if we had it all figured out before we actually bring the baby into the world, but it doesn't work like that. You may not feel like a mother right away especially if it's your first pregnancy, but those instincts will kick in. I'm a mom of 3. I've learned and changed a lot since my first child. I'm a very different parent than I was almost 8 years ago, but I still feel like I fail everyday in some aspect of my parenting. That doesn't mean that I need to stop being a mom or get rid of my kids. It means that I do need Him, I do need to ask forgiveness and I do need to try harder everyday. Not much about motherhood is immediate. It's best that we try our hardest to be patient and realize that things come with time.

So, to the girl considering abortion, I'm sorry we live in a society that has allowed this to be an option. I wish we lived in a nation that instead of solving this with the taking of an innocent life we would instead take your hand to pray with you and tell you you can do this instead of ushering you into a cold room and validating your feelings that you can't or shouldn't be a mom. I hope we would rather give you information and support on how to do this because being a mother is a wonderful privilege. But, not one that comes without feelings of uncertainty and struggle. It's a job that The Lord hand picked you to do. The fear and doubt can overcome you, don't let them. Let the fear push you to try harder, not give up. There are people who will walk beside you and encourage you in your job as a mother. Seek out those people, not the ones telling you can't or shouldn't.  I wish I knew you. I'd love to take you for coffee (decaf of course) and let you cry on my shoulder cause I know your emotions are everywhere. I'd love to treat you to a dessert for your growing appetite and I'd love to sit and go over the thousands of WONDERFUL and PRECIOUS promises that the Lord has made in His word for your life and the child that you carry. I'd love to pray those promises over you. So, for now I'm praying for those considering abortion. That He will place people in their lives to speak truth to them and encourage them to trust in His call for motherhood. I'm praying for strength for these moms to make the right decision and not one that will leave them with feelings of hurt and regret. I'm praying that He would change the hearts of those that condone abortion and that He would revive our nation and bring us back to a place where we value life at conception and trust in Him as we shepherd these blessings He's given us in these children. To the mom who thinks that she can't...you can! You stand in a long line with the rest of us that try hard and may you find women to encourage and strengthen you as you walk toward this calling of motherhood.

Gonna be worth it all...

My kids took swimming lessons this summer. Ella had a basic knowledge of swimming and really liked it, Cale hated the water. So, it was necessary. A couple days into it Ella didn't want to go anymore. When I asked her about it she said it was because, "it wasn't like fun swimming where you could do what you wanted. It was like work." It's funny because it was something she loved to do and she was excited to go, but then it became harder than she wanted.  Her statement got me thinking. Isn't that how it is with our walk as Christians sometimes? We started this journey because we love Jesus, but somewhere down the road it got difficult. There were trials and struggles and it wasn't fun anymore. Or maybe we started studying His word and found we didn't "agree" with some of the statutes or laws. Maybe we just decided it'd be easier or "more fun" to do it our own way. There inevitably comes a time in any true Christians life where we question God, or get frustrated or even mad at how things are going. And when our struggles and trials hit us so hard it knocks our breath out, I guess we can either quit cause it wasn't what we thought or we can persevere...holding fast to Him and the truths that set us free.

Over the past few months The Lord has revealed to me parts of my heart that didn't belong to Him. And I know that whatever part of me is not under the lordship of Christ the enemy can use to destroy me. I really desired to let go of those things, but in my own strength I just couldn't. I kept praying He would change my heart and continue conforming me into the image of His son, but then low and behold I'd wake up in the morning with the same ugliness, same sin, same struggle. But, here's the thing, we can’t notice in days what God is doing in months or even years. Then about a month after Evie was born I began having some postpartum anxiety. I've had it after each child, but it gets worse every time. This time though, I felt prepared. I was praying a lot, reciting scripture, The Lord even worked it out where I was able to go to our women's Wednesday night bible study this summer after I thought I wouldn't be able to. I thought I was stronger this time around, but despite my best efforts it just continued getting worse. I wanted more of Jesus, I had asked for it. But, this wasn't how I wanted it to go.

I couldn't figure out why being a new mom comes with such hardships-spiritual, mental and emotional. I mean in all seriousness I spend 12 hours of my day sitting on the couch nursing and probably a total of 3 hours changing diapers. I'm not doing much. I'm not preaching Jesus across the globe in a part of the world where you get martyred for doing so. I'm not living on mission or sharing the gospel with unreached people groups. And the things that I am involved in at my church I've had to temporarily step away from for the time being so I can just be "new sleep-deprived mom of 3" and learn to function in this new season. Hardly kingdom work. So why is the time after bringing a baby into the world so difficult? What's with all the "postpartum" warfare? As I was thinking about those questions and feeling frustrated with God for the struggle over the past few months I felt the nudge of the Spirit..."Your mission field is home. It is those kids. And where Satan can't touch you because you are mine, He'd love nothing more to make you ineffective for your children." The baby laying swaddled in my arms he'd love to take. He'd love to have the blonde jumping from couch to table and turn away the sweet, innocent girl reading beside me. It is my job to train them up and disciple them, but he'd love for me to fail there. He'd love nothing more than for me to get lost in depression or anxiety and believe the lie that God doesn't care and neglected me. He'd love for me to harbor bitterness toward others and especially my Heavenly Father. It would be easier, but that would be devastating for SO many reasons. Right now, the battle is mine until they're old enough to have their own. When lives are at stake, the warfare is always great. As Pastor JD Greear once said, "As Christians we don't fight FOR victory, we fight FROM victory. We rest in the victory of Christ." But, our children or grandchildren don't receive it by mere association. They don't get salvation through osmosis. They were given to us to teach them, train them and disciple them. So I have news for the enemy...he can't have my children. As long as there is breath in me I will FIGHT. I may feel temporarily weak, or broken. I may be crying in a ball in the floor, but I will fight for them. The Lord entrusted them to me so that they would come to know and love and desire Him. I will point them to him and I will pray that their closest relationship is with their father in Heaven. I will pray daily for their salvation. I must, even when it's JUST SO HARD, be grounded with Jesus. Because where Jesus is and what He has His hands on, satan can't touch. I'm getting the stronger man all over it. I am seeing my weakness. But, I'm also seeing my need for Him. I'm seeing first hand His strength in my weakness. I'm learning lessons and I'm learning everyday more about His love. I'm seeing Him peel away the parts of me that weren't of Him. It's not easy. I feel a little broken and a lot humble. But, I want to be effective. And more importantly I want Christ to be effective in me.

So, I wanted more of Jesus. And I'm getting it. It's not pretty and it hasn't been fun. Like Ella, I've found that the path IS hard, and it IS requiring more of me than I thought, but IT. IS. WORTH. IT. And when we're standing at the feet of Jesus....it's gonna be worth it ALL!

Evie Mac Euten

The name Evie, in Hebrew, means "life, living, lively".  It biblically was derived from Eve, who mothered all of creation. Matt and I thought that the name was fitting because of not only the new life we have in Christ, but also the work that He did in our lives and marriage through the miscarriage and up until the very "lively" one that I carried afterward.  Johnny Mac was my grandfather. He loved Jesus, loved his wife, his family and had sincere joy for the life he lived. He taught me much about Jesus and much about how I wanted to be loved by how he loved my grandmother. He had sincere joy and it was only fitting that she be named after someone like that.

May 1, 2014...With Dr. Harris after Evie was born

Evie Mac...born at 2:09 pm weighing 6 lb. 9 oz. and 20 in.

Sisters meeting for the first time

Euten, party of 5!!

Power in weakness

Ella asked me the other day if we'd have had the baby we were supposed to have how old it would be. I told her about 4 months. Then, I explained how we weren't "supposed" to have that baby. How The Lord always knew I would carry that one for just a short time and how in this moment, in this pregnancy was right where He always knew we'd be. How if we had that baby, we wouldn't have this one. I told her that's why we always have to trust Him in ALL our circumstances because even when it looks bad, He knows what great thing He is doing next.

I knew from the beginning of this pregnancy that the end of it would be emotional (aside from the natural hormones it brings) because it's always humbling and powerful to see His redemptive plan unfold and how He works out "all things for the good" in our lives. This month we've been pregnant for a year. I'm beginning to feel for the elephants;) I don't know what else He has in store but I can honestly say that this past couple weeks has brought a lot of worry. I guess part of that is normal "third-trimester-labor-and-delivery anxiety." And I'd like to blame it all on the hormones, but we will call a spade a spade and my flesh will take the blame. I came across Proverbs 31:25 the other day, which says, "Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come." That hasn't been me lately. Lately, I've been clothed in anxiety and fear and I did a lot more worrying at the days to come. There's something debase and almost shameful about reading something in Gods word and knowing that it's so far from where you sit in that moment. So I prayed He would change my clothes and restore the trust and faith that I somehow lost.  And in the past week He took my focus off of everything else and put it solely on His son...the sacrifice....the gift....the promise that was the death and resurrection. Easter always wrecks me...in an awesome way, of course. Last year at this time I had finished reading and studying the gospels; the life and death of Jesus as we lead up to Easter. I learned so much, was humbled so much and spiritually had grown so much while spending time in those books. That week we'd find out we were pregnant, two months later we would lose that baby, but He would have prepared me in a mighty way for that loss; two months later we would find out we were pregnant again. And this Easter we are on the brink of delivering that baby. It was a roller coaster of a year, no doubt. But, His faithfulness never wavered. And none of it happened to us without first passing through His hands. So, my conversation with Ella ended by explaining that He is good in all things, all the time....when it's sunny or rainy, when we find out we're pregnant or when we find out we're not, when we have good days or bad days, when things go our way or they don't. He is GOOD. She started her new devotional last night. Her first lesson was on how God is always good and how He never changes...coincidence? I think not.

"I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted." Job 42:2

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

"Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen." Ephesians 3:20-21

Family now...or forever?

Cale came and sat down in my lap yesterday as I was about to start drying my hair. He grabbed my face and said, "Are we gonna get married?" No, buddy. I'm married to daddy. "Well, who am I going to marry?" He asked. I don't know exactly who, but a wonderful girl that Jesus has made for you. He followed with, "Where will we live? We won't be with you? I'll miss you," he said as tears filled his eyes. In that moment I wanted to tell him that he could live with me as long as he wanted and that he didn't ever have to leave. That he could live with me forever. And, I guess I could have - he's just 4. But, that would be a lie and against The Lord's plans for him as a man. So, instead I said this...."Do you know The Lord has special plans for your life? Do you know how I know that?" No, he said. "I know because the bible tells us that God knows the plans for our life, plans to give us hope. He knows our future. And because God loves you very much, even more than mommy, you don't have to worry about not living with me or who you will marry right now because He is going to take care of all those things. But, you'll always be my baby. Even when you're bigger than me." Cale gave me a big, long hug and then I asked him if he was ready to eat...he ran into the kitchen full-speed without any hesitation.

We have biological families and eternal families. Where I'm so thankful and blessed that Ella and Cale are my children and by blood and DNA part of my family, I'm much more concerned that they will be part of my eternal family. And for that to happen they need a great story. One greater than just simply living at home and being my kids. The greatest story ever told is that of Jesus. There is nothing better. It sounds like an opinion, but I assure you it's not. If as a parent I don't make sure to show Jesus' story in a magnificent way in their lives they will go looking for a better one of their own. And they'll fail. They could live a life that's fine and simply normal. One that at the end is completely explainable. Or they can live one with the supernatural power of God. One that is miraculous, the one that He intends for them and at the end go, "Wow! Just wow." I want them to live radically for Him doing what He called them to do. I don't want them to live a life of fulfilling selfish desires and following their fleshly passions. I want them to see the need around them. To have their hearts break for what breaks His and love like He does. To grieve their sin and the sin of those around them and not embrace, accept or excuse it. To not feel entitled to happiness, but to be moved to walk in obedience. Romans 2:6-8, "He will render to each one according to his works: to those who by patience in well-doing seek for glory and honor and immortality, he will give eternal life; but for those who are self-seeking and do not obey the truth, but obey unrighteousness, there will be wrath and fury."

I heard a fabulous speaker at a conference one time. She said, "I would rather my daughter live in the darkest, scariest part of Africa in God's will than right next door to me out of it." And she's exactly right. The only place more scary than any geography, circumstance or situation is being outside of Gods will. That's no where I want my children to ever be. I would love my kids to be with me always. I'd love them to get married and have babies and live next door. I'd love for Cale to love me "the best" all his life and to always be his number one girl. But, that's not what The Lord requires of Him and it's not what He requires of me. It'd be great for them to be with me always, but forever is so much more attractive. I don't want to think about letting go, but it's the most important thing I'll do as a parent. It would be detrimental for me to hold onto something so tightly that belongs to God. And that's the thing we often fail to overlook is that they're not "our" kids, they're His. See, God knew the gifts, talents and passions my children would have before I even knew they existed. Before I ever saw one of their sweet faces He had a plan for their entire life. And as much as I'd like to, I don't know them a tiny smidgen compared to how He does. If you offered me a million dollars I couldn't guess the number of hairs on their head, but The Lord knows every one. I don't want to ever hinder who their Father is making them to be. One of my biggest fears is that Ella or Cale would ever look at me and say that they did something or didn't do something because it's what they thought "I wanted." And here's why; Philippians 1:6 says, "I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." I didn't begin that good work, Christ did. Christ knows the plans He has for Ella, He knows the plans He has for Cale. I don't. But I do know three things: 1. His plans are far greater than anything I could conjure up or imagine 2. It's not my job to know those plans, but to point them to Him with every breath I take and 3. If they follow Him wholeheartedly, living abandoned to obedience, which is the standard Christ set, they will never need to look for anything better. They'll never be satisfied with anything less.

When we pray Gods word, we pray His will. So, I'm praying Philippians 1:6 over my children. I pray His completed work in their lives. I pray they know and can discern His voice and that nothing will rule their hearts other than their love for Him. I'd be doing them a huge injustice, an eternal injustice, if I ever led them to believe anything in or of this world could satisfy them, so, my prayer for me is that I don't...and that when the time comes I'll have the strength to let go.

But, for now...Cale's just 4 and I am the most important girl in his life. And Ella's just 7 and she likes to be with me. They like me so much I can't shower or go to the bathroom by myself. Matt and I go to sleep listening to them laugh and talk and giggle and "whisper." Right now...this is our season and we will worry about the rest of it later...though the training starts now.

It's a GIRL!!!

Someone to kiss, someone to hug...these two are getting a SISTER to love!!

"Awww, man! Another girl!"

And we are so excited....of course, no one more than Ella!! She immediately wanted to know if we could go shopping. I'm so thankful the Lord saw fit to give her a sister, she has wanted one so badly. She wouldn't say that since losing the baby in June. She would've told you, "I just want a baby and it doesn't matter." Which she wholeheartedly meant, but deep down I knew her little heart longed for a girl.

Cale, well Cale, on the other hand cried. And followed it with, "But, I wanted a BOY! Are you sure it's not a boy!?! I think it's a boy!" When he first saw the ultrasound he goes, "Is that a skeleton?" Then after seeing it was in fact a baby he goes, "Is it naked? Why's it naked?!" Never a dull moment. He kisses and pats my belly constantly and says, "I love that baby." He's done it several times even since we've been home. So, I don't doubt that he will be head over heels for her when she arrives.

As for Matt and me. We are thankful that He has called us to be parents again, blessed to have been chosen to raise another daughter and point her to Him and mostly just humbled at His great works.

God is so very good. 1 Thessalonians 5 and Ephesians 5 talk about giving thanks to God in all circumstances. Since the miscarriage I've learned the importance in doing just that. And I even found myself thanking Him during the first trimester when I was sick as a dog and had my head in the toilet (also asking Him to just get me through it.) I've had two ultrasounds prior to today, but something was vastly different in my heart and mind. I guess as one of my friends put it I was "blissfully unaware" with Ella and Cale. After losing a baby it becomes very apparent the miracle that life truly is. There's a thousand things that could go wrong, a million things have to go right, and just as many of those things have to line up exactly as they're supposed to. I don't know the "science" of it all, but I know it's more than I could fathom. And I know that NONE of it happens without Him knowing and ordaining it. Psalm 139:13-14 says, "For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it full well." I found such new and powerful meaning in that verse today. That is some astounding knitting that He does. I saw how she is longer and skinnier like Cale was. She had Ella's movement and mannerisms, they did the same things with their hands. We watched her yawn in real time...and it was remarkable. I stand in awe of Him and what He can do. I'm not surprised, coming from the one that speaks things into existence and "breathed the breath of life into man," but, nonetheless I got a very fresh view on how wonderful and marvelous He is.

Psalm 49:8 tells us redemption is costly. And I know that there were 1,000 reasons He had for taking the baby that He did, many I'll never know this side of heaven. I know He could still call this one home at anytime, they are His to take. And, that would be devastating. But, I've learned so much about Him in these past months. This time has been a huge lesson for me in faith and trust. And even when we can't understand His actions or they don't seem fair, it's just not ours to question. I know when it hurts, it's for my good. I know when I don't understand it's for His glory. And I know, that I know, that I KNOW His love for me is greater than any I've ever known and He doesn't want anything that's not for my good. I know these things, if for no other reason than seeing that miracle, that baby, today and knowing that He sent one and then sacrificed it for my life, for all of our lives. "Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends." John 15:13

How could anything He does for me be anything but love?