Over the past few months The Lord has revealed to me parts of my heart that didn't belong to Him. And I know that whatever part of me is not under the lordship of Christ the enemy can use to destroy me. I really desired to let go of those things, but in my own strength I just couldn't. I kept praying He would change my heart and continue conforming me into the image of His son, but then low and behold I'd wake up in the morning with the same ugliness, same sin, same struggle. But, here's the thing, we can’t notice in days what God is doing in months or even years. Then about a month after Evie was born I began having some postpartum anxiety. I've had it after each child, but it gets worse every time. This time though, I felt prepared. I was praying a lot, reciting scripture, The Lord even worked it out where I was able to go to our women's Wednesday night bible study this summer after I thought I wouldn't be able to. I thought I was stronger this time around, but despite my best efforts it just continued getting worse. I wanted more of Jesus, I had asked for it. But, this wasn't how I wanted it to go.
I couldn't figure out why being a new mom comes with such hardships-spiritual, mental and emotional. I mean in all seriousness I spend 12 hours of my day sitting on the couch nursing and probably a total of 3 hours changing diapers. I'm not doing much. I'm not preaching Jesus across the globe in a part of the world where you get martyred for doing so. I'm not living on mission or sharing the gospel with unreached people groups. And the things that I am involved in at my church I've had to temporarily step away from for the time being so I can just be "new sleep-deprived mom of 3" and learn to function in this new season. Hardly kingdom work. So why is the time after bringing a baby into the world so difficult? What's with all the "postpartum" warfare? As I was thinking about those questions and feeling frustrated with God for the struggle over the past few months I felt the nudge of the Spirit..."Your mission field is home. It is those kids. And where Satan can't touch you because you are mine, He'd love nothing more to make you ineffective for your children." The baby laying swaddled in my arms he'd love to take. He'd love to have the blonde jumping from couch to table and turn away the sweet, innocent girl reading beside me. It is my job to train them up and disciple them, but he'd love for me to fail there. He'd love nothing more than for me to get lost in depression or anxiety and believe the lie that God doesn't care and neglected me. He'd love for me to harbor bitterness toward others and especially my Heavenly Father. It would be easier, but that would be devastating for SO many reasons. Right now, the battle is mine until they're old enough to have their own. When lives are at stake, the warfare is always great. As Pastor JD Greear once said, "As Christians we don't fight FOR victory, we fight FROM victory. We rest in the victory of Christ." But, our children or grandchildren don't receive it by mere association. They don't get salvation through osmosis. They were given to us to teach them, train them and disciple them. So I have news for the enemy...he can't have my children. As long as there is breath in me I will FIGHT. I may feel temporarily weak, or broken. I may be crying in a ball in the floor, but I will fight for them. The Lord entrusted them to me so that they would come to know and love and desire Him. I will point them to him and I will pray that their closest relationship is with their father in Heaven. I will pray daily for their salvation. I must, even when it's JUST SO HARD, be grounded with Jesus. Because where Jesus is and what He has His hands on, satan can't touch. I'm getting the stronger man all over it. I am seeing my weakness. But, I'm also seeing my need for Him. I'm seeing first hand His strength in my weakness. I'm learning lessons and I'm learning everyday more about His love. I'm seeing Him peel away the parts of me that weren't of Him. It's not easy. I feel a little broken and a lot humble. But, I want to be effective. And more importantly I want Christ to be effective in me.
So, I wanted more of Jesus. And I'm getting it. It's not pretty and it hasn't been fun. Like Ella, I've found that the path IS hard, and it IS requiring more of me than I thought, but IT. IS. WORTH. IT. And when we're standing at the feet of Jesus....it's gonna be worth it ALL!
