One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

It's August. The month we would've found out if Aubrey was a boy or girl. The baby would be moving and Ella and Cale would be able to feel it too. Ella would sit there for hours waiting to feel it if she had to because that's just how important and awesome it would be to her. Joy would cover her face with every move she felt. These thoughts flooded my mind yesterday and I lost it.  I got in the shower to cry by myself. When I got out I sat in the floor, tears still streaming down my face. The picture above is when Cale walked in. He didn't say a word, but grabbed some toilet paper and started wiping my face. Now, I've always been a cryer, but lately the tears are different. They used to just kind of lightly stream down my face slowly and gracefully. They're heavier now. They're bigger, they actually leave wet trails down my cheeks. It's like they're racing each other to fall in my lap. As if each tear has an anchor attached to it. It's like they know a different hurt. 

I have strong moments. Really really, brave moments where I'm proud of myself and my inner me is all like, "You go girl! This is what biblical trial looks like. You believe that there's good here and you wear it well." And then there are moments like these, where all the growth and healing feels like it never happened. Moments that don't feel strong and are far from brave. Moments that feel like it will feel like this forever. Moments that feel like for the step i just took forward, i took two back.

Sometimes I wish I could forget, sometimes I wish we wouldn't have gotten pregnant at all if we were going to lose it anyway. Sometimes I ask Him why we got pregnant for such a short amount of time. What could possibly be the point in that? Sometimes it makes me mad. Sometimes I don't know what I'm learning here, sometimes I feel like I don't know much of anything at all.

But, like always, He is enough. In Genesis Joseph's brothers sell him to the Ishmaelites who later sell him in Egypt.  Some time after that he gets put in prison. None of which sound like fun or I would imagine made any sense to Joseph at that time. But, God sees the big picture. Later Joseph rises to power and is able to save his family from the famine. If Joseph had never been betrayed, hated and sold by his brothers, he never would've been able to save their lives. I'm sure he didn't see that coming. 

So, I am reminded that in the midst of my  confusion, uncertainty and heartache God gets it. And in the moments before he gives me clarity or shows me where to go I just have to swap a feeling for a feeling. I can only feel one feeling at a time. So I swap my anger for thankfulness, I swap my discontentment for trust and I swap my sadness for joy. I can do all that through Him and only Him.  And then maybe, just maybe...I took another step forward. 

I get frustrated at my children for having to tell them the same things over and over. Things that sound something like, "I already said No," "Please be nice to your brother/sister," "Clean up that mess," "Keep the food at the table," "PLEASE stop whining," and so forth. Then this happens....I step back, again. In my flesh and weakness the enemy throws the bait of some struggle back in my face  and I bite every time. In my despair I go to the same promises and truths that The Lord's so faithfully showed me. I get in His word and He works through it. My faith my fail, but then He reminds me of the things I seemed to have forgotten, "I died for you, you can glorify me here." "I've got this." He continually has to repeat himself with me. And I stand in hypocrisy once more.

It's always interesting to me that the places I fail are always the places God takes me Himself and I'm drenched with Grace, may I cover my children in that same grace. Remembering all the while that He will Clean. Up. My. Mess.

Psalm 56:8, "You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book."

To Ella:

7 Things You Need to Know about Your Heavenly Father:

More than worldly ‘success’, I want you to be obedient to what the Lord calls you to do no matter the cost. More than popularity, I want you to know relationship with your Heavenly Father in a deep and personal way. More than academic knowledge I want you to have biblical wisdom. And more than common sense, I want you to have a spirit of discernment that you’ll know His voice as well or better than you know mine when we are talking together. But, mostly I want you to have a heart like His. That you’ll be a light in this world and glorify Him in all you do. I pray all these things for you, and now I want you to know some things about your Heavenly Father that I wish I had known so much earlier in my life. He has entrusted me with enormous responsibility. It is my job to point you to Him with every breath I take and so my “mommy brain” doesn’t forget some of the basics I’m writing them down so we can talk about them together from time to time.

1. Your Heavenly Father will speak to you softly and in quiet moments.

God speaks to our hearts and minds. I can’t tell you exactly what it sounds like. But, you’ll know, you’ll feel it in your heart. I’ve been praying that you would have a spirit of discernment for such a long time. I want this so badly for you. The enemy will lie to you. He will tell you things that sound true, but aren’t. Remember, he tried to lie to Jesus in the desert and trick him using scripture. When the enemy tells you lies, it will make you doubt. That’s your red flag right there- the doubt. John 10: 27 says, “My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me.” You will know it when you hear it, and if it’s the Holy Spirit you will have NO DOUBT. So train yourself, spend time with Him and hide His Word in your heart and mind so you’ll also know when it’s being used as a lie. It took me a long time to discern the voice of the Holy Spirit. My dad is a loud, type A, aggressive person. When I was a child and he would yell for me, my shoulders would shrug up to my ears, my body flinched and my heart would jump up into my throat. Whether or not I knew I was in trouble I could always tell by his tone. So, I thought the holy spirit would sound like that….you know, when God, who created the entire world, wanted to talk to me or discipline me then the heavens would open and His voice would beckon me like the thunder. That’s not so, He whispers to us and if we’re not paying attention, we miss it. So, be a good listener.

2. He’s a GREAT teacher, the best.

Don’t go looking for someone else to teach you what only He can. He knows you better than anyone, even me. He knows the hairs on your head. He knows the things you want, the things you need and the things you “think” you want, but don’t need. Let Him do His job. All scripture is “breathed out by God.“ So, when you don’t know the answer, I assure you it’s in His word. He knows what you’ve been through, what’s to come and how you’ll handle those things. Nothing surprises Him. His plan is perfect. Let Him lead you in all things, ALL THINGS! And also, the moment you’re convinced He needs to teach someone a lesson is when He will teach you one. He’s ALL about teaching humility…and those lessons are always fun to learn. Except not.

3. He disciplines out of LOVE

He is patient and forgiving, those are beautiful attributes of His character. It’s so important that you know this. Most of the time I fail here as your mom. I discipline you sometimes out of anger, sometimes because what you did “inconvenienced” me in some way, and sometimes because you didn’t do what I thought you should or wanted you to. I’m trying to be more like Him in this way, but I’ll always be a sinner no matter how hard I try and your Heavenly Father, unlike me, will never discipline you out of inconvenience or anger. Revelation 3:19 says, “Those whom I love, I discipline.” When you know that He is disciplining you; repent and know that He loves you. He loves you too much to let you continue in your sin! His discipline is a GOOD thing!

4. He is LOVE and loves you as if you were the only one.

Last week in school you had to memorize John 3:16. That pretty much sums up the gospel and His love for us. “For God so loved the world, he gave His only son.“ I don’t love anybody enough to give you up, but I’m not Jesus. He loves you with an everlasting love. “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love.“ John 15:9. Romans tells us that “while we were still sinners, Christ died for us“. So, it doesn’t matter what you’ve done. You could never do anything that would make Him love you less. He is greater than all your sin. He died for it. We live in a world based on “conditional love.” Love that comes with strings. People will “love” you because you act a certain way or do certain things, maybe even because of how you look or what you wear. There will be people in your life that will make you feel like if you mess up or don’t do it their way they won’t love you anymore. My best advice is look to Him for your love and your approval, His opinion IS the ONLY one that matters.

5. He will push you.

“Comfort” is not His thing. So if you are comfortable, then get ready to move. This is pretty much life. Without Him, we’re not equipped for anything. But, He will call you to do things you won’t feel equipped to do. Pray, lean on Him and then be assured you have everything you need to accomplish His call. In Him is where we do more than we ever thought we could. Those things that we’ll look back afterward and go, “I can’t believe I did that.“ We are never fighting a bigger battle than when we are doing work for the kingdom-no matter what that work is. And you don’t have to be good at it, just available. And, know that in this place where God is pushing you, Satan is fighting you. For every good and perfect thing God does you better know Satan has a counterfeit.

6. His “good” is not always what you’ll deem as “good.”

Sometimes things happen that don’t seem good or fair. That doesn’t mean that it’s not His will or that you‘re being punished. If you’re living in unrepentant sin that may be the case, but if you’re seeking Him then He’s teaching you something and drawing you closer to Himself. Not all trials are a result of our sin, When you want to strengthen a muscle you work it, hard. So, sometimes He works our “spiritual muscles.“ James and Romans both talk about trials in tribulation and rejoicing in our sufferings. His will is perfect, He sees the big picture. We don’t. You just have to trust Him. This can be hard. So, be honest, tell Him it’s hard. He may or may not give you understanding at that time, but He will always give you peace and comfort. Romans 8:28 says, “He works all things together for the good of those who love Him.” The word “all” there, literally means everything. So, when it seems bad (and there will be bad) just know that He Will bring good out of it. God WILL do what He says He will do, He will make good on His promises-EVERY TIME!

7. He wants a relationship with YOU.

You are not just a number in a world of billions. You aren’t just a being He created and left to fend for yourself. You are a DAUGHTER of the one true King and Creator of the World. You are an heir to God and His kingdom! He is your Father. You are in first grade right now. When your dad or I pick you up from school, you TALK. OUR. EARS. OFF. You give every detail of your day, including who picked their nose, how many times you went to the bathroom, who said what and what made you laugh. Do this with God. Talk to him all day about all things. He wants to know the details of your life. And the more you talk to Him and include Him in those details the easier it is for you to depend on Him for not just the big things, but the little things too. The world tells us God is too busy. He’s got too much going on. One, single being isn’t important to the creator of the world. But, you were important enough for Him to create in the first place, and He doesn’t do anything that won’t bring Him glory….so, glorify HIM!

I can honestly tell you that I’ve learned the most about 1-7 just in the almost 7 years that I’ve been a parent. I learned so much about how He loves us because of how I love you and your brother. I don’t know how anyone could parent without Jesus. I don’t know how anybody does anything without Jesus. And I never want you to.

A Wonderful Gift...

Tomorrow Cale will be 4. The plan is to give him his bike when he wakes up. He'll ask me for a Popsicle for breakfast because he always does and tomorrow ill say yes...cause it's a special day. Tomorrow night I'll cook his favorite dinner and we'll open the rest of his gifts and sing, "Happy Birthday." I didn't know this until a long time after he was born, but he wasn't breathing when he came out...and didn't for awhile. They called in more nurses and another doctor, they were frantically working to draw that first breath. Tomorrow could have been a very different day for us. So, tonight I'm thanking The Lord (like I have a million times) for the wisdom He gave the doctors and nurses that day and that he gave Cale that first breath and for every one He has given him since! So thankful. And humbled. And blessed.