Family now...or forever?

Cale came and sat down in my lap yesterday as I was about to start drying my hair. He grabbed my face and said, "Are we gonna get married?" No, buddy. I'm married to daddy. "Well, who am I going to marry?" He asked. I don't know exactly who, but a wonderful girl that Jesus has made for you. He followed with, "Where will we live? We won't be with you? I'll miss you," he said as tears filled his eyes. In that moment I wanted to tell him that he could live with me as long as he wanted and that he didn't ever have to leave. That he could live with me forever. And, I guess I could have - he's just 4. But, that would be a lie and against The Lord's plans for him as a man. So, instead I said this...."Do you know The Lord has special plans for your life? Do you know how I know that?" No, he said. "I know because the bible tells us that God knows the plans for our life, plans to give us hope. He knows our future. And because God loves you very much, even more than mommy, you don't have to worry about not living with me or who you will marry right now because He is going to take care of all those things. But, you'll always be my baby. Even when you're bigger than me." Cale gave me a big, long hug and then I asked him if he was ready to eat...he ran into the kitchen full-speed without any hesitation.

We have biological families and eternal families. Where I'm so thankful and blessed that Ella and Cale are my children and by blood and DNA part of my family, I'm much more concerned that they will be part of my eternal family. And for that to happen they need a great story. One greater than just simply living at home and being my kids. The greatest story ever told is that of Jesus. There is nothing better. It sounds like an opinion, but I assure you it's not. If as a parent I don't make sure to show Jesus' story in a magnificent way in their lives they will go looking for a better one of their own. And they'll fail. They could live a life that's fine and simply normal. One that at the end is completely explainable. Or they can live one with the supernatural power of God. One that is miraculous, the one that He intends for them and at the end go, "Wow! Just wow." I want them to live radically for Him doing what He called them to do. I don't want them to live a life of fulfilling selfish desires and following their fleshly passions. I want them to see the need around them. To have their hearts break for what breaks His and love like He does. To grieve their sin and the sin of those around them and not embrace, accept or excuse it. To not feel entitled to happiness, but to be moved to walk in obedience. Romans 2:6-8, "He will render to each one according to his works: to those who by patience in well-doing seek for glory and honor and immortality, he will give eternal life; but for those who are self-seeking and do not obey the truth, but obey unrighteousness, there will be wrath and fury."

I heard a fabulous speaker at a conference one time. She said, "I would rather my daughter live in the darkest, scariest part of Africa in God's will than right next door to me out of it." And she's exactly right. The only place more scary than any geography, circumstance or situation is being outside of Gods will. That's no where I want my children to ever be. I would love my kids to be with me always. I'd love them to get married and have babies and live next door. I'd love for Cale to love me "the best" all his life and to always be his number one girl. But, that's not what The Lord requires of Him and it's not what He requires of me. It'd be great for them to be with me always, but forever is so much more attractive. I don't want to think about letting go, but it's the most important thing I'll do as a parent. It would be detrimental for me to hold onto something so tightly that belongs to God. And that's the thing we often fail to overlook is that they're not "our" kids, they're His. See, God knew the gifts, talents and passions my children would have before I even knew they existed. Before I ever saw one of their sweet faces He had a plan for their entire life. And as much as I'd like to, I don't know them a tiny smidgen compared to how He does. If you offered me a million dollars I couldn't guess the number of hairs on their head, but The Lord knows every one. I don't want to ever hinder who their Father is making them to be. One of my biggest fears is that Ella or Cale would ever look at me and say that they did something or didn't do something because it's what they thought "I wanted." And here's why; Philippians 1:6 says, "I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." I didn't begin that good work, Christ did. Christ knows the plans He has for Ella, He knows the plans He has for Cale. I don't. But I do know three things: 1. His plans are far greater than anything I could conjure up or imagine 2. It's not my job to know those plans, but to point them to Him with every breath I take and 3. If they follow Him wholeheartedly, living abandoned to obedience, which is the standard Christ set, they will never need to look for anything better. They'll never be satisfied with anything less.

When we pray Gods word, we pray His will. So, I'm praying Philippians 1:6 over my children. I pray His completed work in their lives. I pray they know and can discern His voice and that nothing will rule their hearts other than their love for Him. I'd be doing them a huge injustice, an eternal injustice, if I ever led them to believe anything in or of this world could satisfy them, so, my prayer for me is that I don't...and that when the time comes I'll have the strength to let go.

But, for now...Cale's just 4 and I am the most important girl in his life. And Ella's just 7 and she likes to be with me. They like me so much I can't shower or go to the bathroom by myself. Matt and I go to sleep listening to them laugh and talk and giggle and "whisper." Right now...this is our season and we will worry about the rest of it later...though the training starts now.

It's a GIRL!!!

Someone to kiss, someone to hug...these two are getting a SISTER to love!!

"Awww, man! Another girl!"

And we are so excited....of course, no one more than Ella!! She immediately wanted to know if we could go shopping. I'm so thankful the Lord saw fit to give her a sister, she has wanted one so badly. She wouldn't say that since losing the baby in June. She would've told you, "I just want a baby and it doesn't matter." Which she wholeheartedly meant, but deep down I knew her little heart longed for a girl.

Cale, well Cale, on the other hand cried. And followed it with, "But, I wanted a BOY! Are you sure it's not a boy!?! I think it's a boy!" When he first saw the ultrasound he goes, "Is that a skeleton?" Then after seeing it was in fact a baby he goes, "Is it naked? Why's it naked?!" Never a dull moment. He kisses and pats my belly constantly and says, "I love that baby." He's done it several times even since we've been home. So, I don't doubt that he will be head over heels for her when she arrives.

As for Matt and me. We are thankful that He has called us to be parents again, blessed to have been chosen to raise another daughter and point her to Him and mostly just humbled at His great works.

God is so very good. 1 Thessalonians 5 and Ephesians 5 talk about giving thanks to God in all circumstances. Since the miscarriage I've learned the importance in doing just that. And I even found myself thanking Him during the first trimester when I was sick as a dog and had my head in the toilet (also asking Him to just get me through it.) I've had two ultrasounds prior to today, but something was vastly different in my heart and mind. I guess as one of my friends put it I was "blissfully unaware" with Ella and Cale. After losing a baby it becomes very apparent the miracle that life truly is. There's a thousand things that could go wrong, a million things have to go right, and just as many of those things have to line up exactly as they're supposed to. I don't know the "science" of it all, but I know it's more than I could fathom. And I know that NONE of it happens without Him knowing and ordaining it. Psalm 139:13-14 says, "For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it full well." I found such new and powerful meaning in that verse today. That is some astounding knitting that He does. I saw how she is longer and skinnier like Cale was. She had Ella's movement and mannerisms, they did the same things with their hands. We watched her yawn in real time...and it was remarkable. I stand in awe of Him and what He can do. I'm not surprised, coming from the one that speaks things into existence and "breathed the breath of life into man," but, nonetheless I got a very fresh view on how wonderful and marvelous He is.

Psalm 49:8 tells us redemption is costly. And I know that there were 1,000 reasons He had for taking the baby that He did, many I'll never know this side of heaven. I know He could still call this one home at anytime, they are His to take. And, that would be devastating. But, I've learned so much about Him in these past months. This time has been a huge lesson for me in faith and trust. And even when we can't understand His actions or they don't seem fair, it's just not ours to question. I know when it hurts, it's for my good. I know when I don't understand it's for His glory. And I know, that I know, that I KNOW His love for me is greater than any I've ever known and He doesn't want anything that's not for my good. I know these things, if for no other reason than seeing that miracle, that baby, today and knowing that He sent one and then sacrificed it for my life, for all of our lives. "Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends." John 15:13

How could anything He does for me be anything but love?

Wait!! What!?!

Waiting. Yuck, we don't like. If you're like me, the word alone might make you cringe. Our culture doesn't do it and it, in general, makes us crazy...or irritable. I'm not exaggerating when I say everyone I know is "waiting" on something. And it seems like in the past several months I've been pounded with the theme of waiting. And here's what I've learned:

I heard a woman give another woman a piece of advice not long ago. She told her, "The bible tells us to be still, so sometimes we just wait and there's nothing more we can do." Like we're helpless, like we're stuck, like there's literally nothing we can do. Can I tell you that I've stirred over that advice for several months when The Lord recently revealed to me that waiting is not passive. What He's taught me is that there is exactly something we can do...that waiting should be very active on our part and when we do it right, it becomes a great act of worship.  It is anything but hopeless. I think of it like this: when I'm at the doctor with my kids (mainly Cale) and we're "waiting," he's doing anything but nothing. He plays, he runs, he looks at my phone, talks to the innocent bystanders, twirls, turns and bounces in his seat. There is MUCH action to his waiting. When the Bible says "be still" it means to let go, not worry, don't actively figure it out in your mind or try to control it. Be "still" in your mind....let God do what God does. What "be still" doesn't mean is sit around and do nothing. Waiting on The Lord doesn't mean hanging out, eating Bon bons and twiddling our thumbs while muttering, "Um, God, where are you...I'm waiting." NO! We worship, we thank Him, we pray. Our waiting is a red flag to run to Him with all we have. It's not lazy. In our waiting we learn two things: First, how small we are, how little we can actually control things and that we shouldn't want to. And secondly, after we've seen how small we are, we see how big He is. His power, His control, His infinite knowledge and if we're lucky a glimpse of his sovereignty. So many times I think I'm waiting on The Lord, but what's actually happening is He's waiting on me to come to Him, to let go of whatever I'm holding onto and praise Him despite the circumstance. He's waiting on me to get in line with Him and to do what He's already told me to do in His word. I have no reason to complain about "waiting on God" if I'm not living a life of obedience and following His commands. My waiting can easily be my fault. Ergo, the importance of knowing and abiding in His word.

The other day Cale was asking me for a piece of gum. He loves gum. When he decides that is what He wants the asking is relentless. Waiting for my response is like punishment to him. The other day he asked me for a piece and I immediately said "yes." But I still heard this; "Can I have gum? Mom, I want a piece of gum! What? Mom!?  Yes or no?" I had already said yes. But, He was still asking. He wanted it so badly and was obviously sure my response would be no. It made me wonder how many times I asked something of God and in my haste I missed the answer. I missed the "go ahead" or the "not right now" because I was so focused on how I wanted it to be that I neglected to hear His response.

Sometimes, we do wait on things that are out of our control: healing, test results, forgiveness. Sometimes we wait for years for a loved one with an addiction or one that has gone astray from a life of obedience. Adoptive parents may wait for much longer than they had wanted for the sweet child that they anticipate so badly. Sometimes we wait to become parents, we wait for a spouse. Whatever the case there are things that are out of our control. And we wait because God IS working not because He's not. He didn't forget or is doing something else. We wait because He is stirring hearts, preparing hearts or minds. He knows the result, he wrote the fine print. Never in the bible does it say "and while all these things were going  on, God sat back and twiddled His thumbs."  No matter how long we've waited, He never does that. He is always present, always watching, always working and ALWAYS-always has His loving hands on every circumstance of His child's life. Thus, the importance of Proverbs 3:6, "In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." First, comes the acknowledging, then the straight path. Sometimes, we like it the other way around.

So we wait with hope. Because He keeps His promises (Deuteronomy 7:9) We wait with courage because He tells us not to fear (Isaiah 41:10). We wait with conviction bc He calls us to rely on Him (I Peter 5:7). And we wait with love because He first loved us (Jeremiah 31:3; I John 4:19). No matter the circumstance we wait with thanksgiving and praise (I Thess 5:18) because we know He's sovereign (Psalm 115:3, Job 42:2) and he's working for our good (Rom 8:28) and His glory. So may our "season of waiting" not be lazy. And may our waiting not cause us to sin. I have a tendency to worry or get anxious or even bitter while waiting. Sometimes I see how little my faith is and where I lack trust. That's not what He intended my waiting for. He intends our waiting to draw us closer to Him. May we rely on Him with all that we have and learn to trust the one that loved us enough to send His only son. John Waller's song, "While I'm Waiting" says this:

 I will move ahead, bold and confident

Taking every step in obedience

While I'm waiting

I will serve You

While I'm waiting

I will worship

While I'm waiting

I will not faint

I'll be running the race

Even while I wait.

Yes, that.

This is how I picture what God wants "waiting" to look like! James 1:2 in action.

 

4 Reasons why Santa's not coming to our house:

*Disclaimer: This post is solely an explanation of why we believe what we believe and why we do what we do. I'm not trying to say we're right or wrong or change anyone's mind. These are our convictions, not to be pushed on anyone else!

So, No, Santa's not coming to our house this year because our children have been bad, they’ve actually been really good (for the most part). But, last week we were at the jewelry store with the kids. There was a 70-ish old lady in there who was ahead of us. As she turned to leave she looked at Cale, bent down and with a shaky voice said, “Little buddy, what’s Santa bringing you for Christmas?” Cale looked back at her and with what seemed like all the volume he had he yelled, “Mam, Santa’s not real!” Matt and I took a breath and didn’t move or blink waiting for the response. Seconds later the entire store busted out in laughter. We were ready for some pretty nasty backlash or looks even for being “those parents” whose kids don’t believe in Santa. But, thankfully there were no other children in the store and one of the ladies working there said it was the funniest thing she’d ever heard. So, no, Santa’s not coming to our house this year, and here’s why:

1.       We don’t want to teach our children to “behave” because they get gifts for doing so. They behave because that’s what Jesus calls us to do and as believers we follow in obedience. My kids are excited about Christmas morning. To my knowledge they’re not any less excited than kids who are getting visited by Santa. They’re getting presents. Lots of them and nice ones. They know they’re getting presents because when Jesus was born the wise men brought Him gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh…which at that time were extravagant. They know on their birthdays we celebrate their precious lives by giving them gifts. They also know that on Christmas morning they get gifts because we celebrate the life of the son that the Father sent so we could one day spend eternity in His presence, in His kingdom. They know they’re getting presents on Christmas morning not because they were well-behaved, but because they are well-loved.

2.       If they have to choose between a poor, baby in a manger that was born to save their sins and a jolly, magical fat guy that brings them whatever they want while they’re sleeping…who do you think they’re going to be more excited about? Well, “why do they have to choose?” you might be thinking…this is why: As a parent, it is my job to point them to Christ. The reason for this season is Jesus…I’m not going to lie about that. If they think I lied about Santa why wouldn’t they think I lied about Jesus? Ella went through (and still is to some extent) a stage about lying. One day I told her after they took a nap we would go outside and play on the playground. Well, when she woke up it was raining and we couldn’t go. She said I lied. I didn’t LIE; I just didn’t know it was going to rain. A little extra “fun” at Christmas time wasn’t enough reason for me to play a role in her one day doubting a Savior. It was our own personal conviction. We weren’t willing to risk our credibility in their eyes. There’s too much at stake. Let me clarify, I don’t think I’m a “better” parent because we don’t do Santa. If you've ever read any post of mine you know on most days I feel like a terrible parent and I second-guess most decisions. I don’t think believing in Santa is wrong or bad, but for OUR family it took the focus off of Jesus. It didn’t work for US. I love Santa, he’s exciting. I have friends that could make a living off of their awesome and creative ideas they do with their elf, I also have friends that just barely get by with the elf solely because they’re not creative or don’t care, but it makes their kids excited…and that’s admirable too. I love all that stuff. And how you choose to celebrate Christmas is absolutely the best way to do it. As parents, we do what works for us, what works best for our family and our children. It’s not wrong or right, it just is.

3.       They know the story of Santa. They think he’s awesome and they like to talk about it.  They know he was a real saint that lived long ago and secretly gave gifts to people. Besides “The Miracle on 34^th Street,” “The Santa Clause” is my absolute favorite Christmas movie. The second one’s my fave, but I LOVE, LOVE all three. We watch those movies, we have some Santa ornaments, he’s on 3 of the 4 of our stockings…Santa is welcome here, but he’s not our reason for celebrating. Like all other humans, my kids know he lived and died. One of the little boys in Ella’s class said it best, “Santa couldn’t be real because he couldn’t live that long. Only Jesus lives that long.” Priceless. To clarify again, the kids know not to go around sharing the SOS (Secret of Santa.) Ok, well, obviously Cale doesn’t yet. We’re working on it. But, Ella knows that a lot of kids do believe in Santa Claus and that it is NOT her responsibility to go around saying otherwise. So, your secret is safe with Ella….though, I’d stay away from Cale for the time being (wink).

4.       We are scrooges and wanted to take out the joy of Christmas. I’m kidding. We were actually hoping to stress and focus on the true joy and meaning of Christmas…the birth of our Savior and yes, giving to others, like He did and does. We are blessed by Christ. As a family we can give gifts to each other, to others that we love and to others who are in need because Christ so lavishly gives to us. We didn’t want to take away the “magic” of Christmas by spilling the beans about Santa or not participating with an elf. We wanted there to be no confusion about what the “magic” of Christmas really is. Through the power of Christ we hope to make their Christmases magical because of who he is and the excitement they get from celebrating that. They may hate us one day because we didn’t participate in the “Santa” thing, I hope not, but it’s possible. It’s possible there are a whole slew of things they could hate us for. But, I have a feeling when they come to know their Heavenly Father in a deep and personal way and if Matt and I can keep the focus on Him that hopefully that won’t happen. I guess it’s a chance we’re willing to take.

As a kid, I did believe in Santa. I didn’t ask questions about him that I didn’t want to know the answer to. He was magical for me and when I found out he wasn’t real part of the magic of Christmas was gone too. Growing up, the most exciting part of Christmas for me was the gifts. And my parents did an awesome job of getting us the things we wanted. But, then I’d be disappointed in the things I didn’t get. Or when I went back to school wearing the outfit that I thought was the coolest thing in the world only to find out that what I had was now on the sale rack at the Limited Too and my friend was wearing the one that was on the mannequin in the front room of the store. It wasn’t my parents fault. They got exactly what I asked for. It was my ugly heart, my greed, my sense of entitlement. For me, the joy of Christmas left after the last gift had been opened. The Christmas I remember most: I was close to Ella’s age, 7 maybe 8. My parents, brothers, grandparents and aunts and uncles took gifts and Christmas dinner to a family with two little girls that otherwise wouldn’t have gotten anything. I don’t remember what I got that year, but I do remember the look on the little girl’s face (who was my age) when I handed her a wrapped present. She gave me a hug. She was warm, her hair was dark and greasy, she had big, beautiful eyes and her smile went from ear to ear as she opened her baby doll. I remember Jesus that Christmas all those years ago. And that’s what I want to give my kids for Christmas.

 So, believe in Santa or don’t. Do the elf, half do the elf or don’t. It’s entirely up to you. But, DO love and spend quality time with your family…just loving and enjoying them- not stressing out about how to make it bigger and better. Make gourmet cookies or the ones that are pre-cut. Give to others. Honor Him. Remember Him. He is the reason for the season no matter what else you “believe in” while doing it.

P.S.- Shameless plug…if you’re looking for a Christ-centered alternative to the Elf on the Shelf, check out The Christmas Angel. The Angel visits, like the elf, but instead leaves your child a message of something he or she can do for someone else. You can order online or pick up one at your local bookstore.

How I got schooled by my son...Lessons from Cale?!?

I read a sticker one time that said, “Being a parent has made me a better person.” I don’t know who said it, but it makes me wonder if whoever did actually had children. Because I can tell you with complete certainty that most days, as a parent, I feel like the worst person in the world. I feel worse about myself as a parent more than I ever did when I was in high school or college. Because we all know at that age we were God’s gift to everyone...I jest. I’ve heard it said a thousand times, “If you want to know how selfish you are, have a baby.” I wholeheartedly agree, and I’d also add on top of selfish: impatient, prideful, scared, controlling and close-minded to name a few. The thing is, being a parent didn’t make me better, it, in fact showed me how wretched I really am. It shows me my need for a Savior, my need for grace and exactly how FAR I have to go to be a “better” person.

I saw my wretchedness in the most awful way last week. It culminated in an overflow or hormones, frustration, anger and misplaced priorities with my sweet Cale. I don’t really want to write this down, but I REALLY don’t want to forget it either. It was getting close to time to go pick up Ella from school. We were almost ready and I was quickly trying to thaw meat, throw it in the crock pot for dinner and fix his lunch and mine so we could shovel it in as we walked out the door. If you thought I was “good” at being a stay-at-home mom the truth as been revealed. So, in all that chaos, I told Cale to get his shoes on. Well, he couldn’t get his socks on straight and then couldn’t find his other boot, so of course a meltdown ensued. In anger and frustration I yelled at him and then turned around and walked out of the room. It wasn’t but a few nanoseconds later that hurt, shame and disgust overwhelmed me. I felt so awful. He’s four. He needs help. He expects me to lovingly give it and I acted like SUCH. A. BEAST. Who could love such a beast? So, I quickly walked back in the room I had just left where he was sitting on the floor beside his socks and holding his one boot. I kneeled in front of him and with ALL the sincerity and remorse I had I said, “Buddy, momma was wrong and mean and I am SO, SO sorry. Please forgive me." With tear-filled eyes and a quivering lip he looked at me and said, “It’s ok, momma, but I still can’t find my other boot.” With a steady stream of tears flowing down my face, I uttered, “I’ll help you find your boot.” And then, he leaned in, kissed my cheek and I hugged him like it was my job. His response made my shame and regret much, much worse. Why couldn’t he have just been mad at me? Why wouldn’t he refuse to look at me? Why didn’t he refuse my apology? Those were the things I deserved…not love and forgiveness. But, in that moment he showed me much grace. He showed me Jesus. And, he’s absolutely a child of God…because he didn’t get that from me.

That night as I was reading in my Bible the Spirit brought to light a new view on something I’d read many times. In Genesis 3, after “the fall,” you know where Adam and Eve eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, and God sends them out from the Garden of Eden. The Bible says, “The LORD God said, ‘Behold, the man has become like one of us in knowing good and evil. Now, lest he reach out his hand and take also of the tree of life and eat, and live forever-“22 therefore the LORD God sent him out from the Garden of Eden to work the ground from which he was taken.”23 I always knew God wasn’t being mean there, that’s not His character. But, I always just thought it was the consequence for their sin. You ate what I told you not to, you leave the garden. Period. But, there was so much more to it. He knew if they stayed they’d end up eating from the tree of life and live forever…in sin. His plan is for us to live together with Him in eternity. Perfect and wonderful Heaven where there will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain. No more trials or struggle or sin. He didn’t want them to live forever where they were. He loved them so much that He had to remove them so they couldn’t ruin themselves. What love, what grace. May I remind you that the whole time they were conversing with the serpent and eating forbidden fruits and hiding and covering up with leaves, He didn’t yell. He didn’t lose patience or His temper. What a great lesson in discipline…and forgiveness for a parent like me.

I apologized to Cale. I apologized to my Heavenly Father. I asked for forgiveness and I asked for help doing it better. I haven’t yelled today. I know it’s just a day, but it was a day without yelling and a day that Cale didn’t once look at me with fear. So, I’d absolutely call it a win.

To me, being a parent is like that mirror with the 10x magnification (and light) that makes your pores look like craters, your eyebrow hairs like porcupine bristles and pretty much brings to light every facial flaw. This parenting gig brings to light what's wrong. It highlights where we are unlike Jesus. Being a parent doesn't make us "better," but, Christ's work in us as parent's does. So here's to our flaws, blemishes, ugliness and imperfections...because now that we know where they are, we can fix them. Thanks to our mirror.

Ella's 7!!

My first baby turned 7 on October 29th! That seems like such an "old" birthday and there is no baby left in her at all. We had a wonderful day celebrating the gift that she is!!

 

 

  

 

On November 17th she lost her first top tooth. It was a big deal. It had literally been hanging for weeks and just wouldn't come out. We were all pretty thrilled when it finally did.

 



To be, or not to be....gentle: That is the question.

When Ella was younger she had an immense fear of thunderstorms. And by fear, I mean she was TERRIFIED. It didn’t matter if it was during the day or night, if every light in the house was on, or if she were sitting in my lap. When she witnessed that first streak of lightning or heard the first roll of thunder (no matter how loud) terror would consume her face and her whole body would start trembling. It didn’t matter to her that we explained God made the thunder and it was good for the outside. In an effort to appeal to the animal fanatic in her we tried explaining that the storms gave the wild animals and plants something to drink, would cool them off and the thunder was just telling them to take cover, they were about to get wet. It didn’t amuse her that lightning made the grass greener. It got so bad that she would be worried about a storm coming before there were any signs of one. If there was a cloud in the sky she’d start asking me if it was going to storm. She was so worried about something that hadn’t even happened yet. And like Ella, I don’t know how many times I’ve worried about something that never even came to pass when the Word literally tells me “not to be anxious about anything” and “God did not give us a spirit of fear.” In fact I did it beautifully several weeks ago.

We’d been sitting at the intersection of struggle and uncertainty for awhile, but, since there’s beauty in the process, God revealed His faithfulness when the enemy wanted me to think that He wasn’t. After having a miscarriage in June, we found out two months later in August that we were pregnant again (Not the faithfulness I'm referring to...I'll get there). But, there’s so much emotion in that sentence alone. How thankful, what a blessing, how exciting-absolutely! And I was sure that a pregnancy now would make the rest of the year so much more bearable seeing as how I would’ve been pregnant anyway. But, it was harder than I thought. This baby I carry now doesn’t replace the one we lost. It’s a different baby, an entirely different life and one doesn’t supplant the other. So, there I sat, approaching the same week in which we lost Aubrey and I had no way of knowing if this time would be any different. I was terrified of the outcome. At this point I’d been asking God for months what He was teaching me, what He wanted me to learn, what He was doing in our life through this course of events over the past several months and I got nothing. There was such an outpour of His spirit on us after we lost the baby and then it was like He moved on and got busy doing something else. There was such a dry season after that. But, He had to build a foundation under me. He had to break me so that I would have a teachable spirit and know that it was Him. He had to drive me to a point of letting go of things He never intended me to hold onto. He had to remind me not to worry about the things I had no control over. But, after getting used to the fact that I was clearly insisting on answers He wasn’t ready to give yet, He finally spoke up. “I want you to trust me with MY outcome.” Because if we’re being honest, I didn’t. In theory I did, in my mind I wanted to. But, it took more strength than I had to really say and believe, “I trust what you’re doing and I’m ok with WHATEVER. This baby is yours and not mine and I accept your will without any retaliation on my part.” I know in my mind ALL the time the truth-God is good, God is love, His plan is perfect, He works things for our good, His strength is made perfect in my weakness. But, though I know it my mind, I don't always feel it in my heart. I think our moments of greatest faith come when we have to fight to believe what we know to be true. Our mind knows it, but our hearts don't. That's why He says the "heart is deceitful above all things." Faith is kind of a tricky thing. So many times we want proof and that’s not what faith promises. Hebrews 11:1 says, “Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.” Trusting Him with our future, the outcome, what our next steps look like, our fears or worries can be very difficult in our own strength. Exhausting, really. Sometimes we just can’t let go. But, why not let our unknown go to the only One that knows. We can’t lose there. James 5:11 says, “We count those blessed those who have endured.” And we see it through the models of our faith in scripture; Job, Jeremiah, David, Abraham, Moses, the list goes on. When we don’t know where else to go we can always ignite some fresh strength through their lives.

For the past couple weeks I’ve been doing a Precept study on the Sermon on the Mount. I didn’t know when I started it that He was going to use it in a mighty way, but He did. So, during this study I learned that often times the original languages of words in the Bible mean very different things than our modern-day meanings. Ergo, we must understand how a word was intended at that time as opposed to what we perceive it to mean today in order to correctly understand and apply scripture. So, I did a word study on “gentle.” The Greek word for gentle is praus. And it means, “mildness of disposition. A disposition of spirit in which we accept God’s dealings with us as good, without dispute or resisting.” It stems from “trust in God’s goodness and control over the situation.” I had no idea, never in a million years would I have defined it that way, but how amazing. Obviously, He put that in front of me at just the right time. Like any good teacher, He told me what He wanted me to be and then showed me how it looks. I always thought I was gentle, but by God’s standards I wasn’t, especially not with this. And when He said He wanted me to trust Him with the outcome, this is what He meant. He wanted me to have a spirit of gentleness. And I can assure you, He wouldn't move me forward an iota until that happened. It's funny sometimes, the thing The Lord wants us to work on is something that's not even in the card catalog of our mind. I was focused on one thing and God was like, "I wanna work on this thing over here." You can bet that it stopped me in my tracks that after all these months He set up camp at "gentle." We just never know where our weaknesses are until He decides to reveal it.

Sometime before the miscarriage in June I had a "feeling" something wasn't right. In that moment of uncertainty and fear I felt the presence of God grab on with this thought, "You can pray for the health of this baby or you can pray for my will." With tears streaming down my face I hit my knees on the kitchen floor and prayed for His will in our lives and with the pregnancy. It was the beginning of my lesson in gentleness and I didn't even know it. Since finding out about this baby He's forced me to my knees on so many occasions. I have to "let go" daily. It was never about the baby we lost or the one He’s given now. It’s always been about trusting Him no matter the circumstances because He knows so much better. It was about learning to get past my selfishness and need for “control,“ the need for answers and things being the way I “thought” they should. It was about my prayer life. The Spirit intercedes for us and we are able to pray the things that bring us to Him and keep us in His will. Even when we feel like we don't have the strength to really say, "Father, your will be done." It turns out sometimes that's all we can muster up. It's a battle everyday, but in His faithfulness He's brought me to a place that when the enemy lies to me about this pregnancy and the plans the Lord has, I can say, "Flee from me Satan, I count it all joy because everything from his hand is good and you‘ve been a liar and deceiver from the beginning."


I was asking God like much was at stake, because there was. Matthew 5:5 says, “Blessed are the gentle, for they shall inherit the earth.” I’m so thankful the Lord taught me about His definition of gentle. If He hadn’t I could’ve gone the rest of my life thinking that I was, when in all reality I wasn’t at all.