During the time we were what seemed like "effortlessly" getting pregnant with Ella and then Cale, Matt had several friends that were dealing with multiple miscarriages and/or infertility. We didn't know what that was like. It had just been easy for us. I remember him coming home from work and telling me "so and so" had had another miscarriage or "so and so" was going on another month with no pregnancy. I remember crying for that couple...that mother. I didn't understand, but could completely ache and sympathize regardless. It probably sounds a little dramatic and a lot crazy, but I remember doubting that if Matt and I ever experienced that kind of struggle that our marriage would make it. Maybe that was the reason it was easy for us, I thought. I was overly sensitive and compassionate. Trial and struggle used to BREAK me. I would fall apart. Matt was, nicely put, lacking ALL compassion and sensitivity. It didn't make for a good combination. But, over time we grew together and spiritually. The Lord taught us to lean on and look to Him. He made it perfectly clear that He's all we need and He ALWAYS comes first. I was thinking the other day about the baby we lost and what I used to think that would make life like for us. After 8 1/2 years together, the thing I thought would tear us apart actually brought us closer together. Matt looked at me a couple days ago and said something I'll never forget. He said, "Abby, you know I thought if we ever lost a baby you'd buckle. I had no idea you'd stand like you have. I'm really blown away." After a grin and slight giggle I said, "I thought I would too. And I have to say I'm blown away by your compassion and sensitivity. I didn't know you had it in you." We couldn't of done it, either of us, without the comfort and strength of our Heavenly Father. Without Him, I would've fallen apart, without Him, Matt would've gone all "Scrooge" and shut down. I'm so thankful for that work He did in our marriage. And I can't hug that baby and say thank you today, but one day I will.
I've learned some valuable lessons and irreplaceable truths already. I'm not capable of healing my own body or heart or mind and neither is Matt, but Jesus is. I can trust Him with my feelings and my family because He is a good God and He is EVER for us. I thought it was weird that He called us to have a baby and then "changed His mind." But, I didn't know the growth He had in store. I didn't know He would fill the gaps of our marriage so full of Himself that they'd be stronger than they ever were and we'd come out on the other side refined and more like Him. And I know you might be thinking, "it was just a miscarriage, there are worse things." And, I agree. But, we all fear different things and there are things that we just might not think we can handle. But, we are loved with an everlasting love, and that love is enough to conquer our fear and doubts. God is enough and He can overcome our grief, He can overshadow our own weaknesses. And He can sweep us up in a beautiful world of hope and healing. When He tells us we can do "all things through Him," that's exactly what He means.
"And I will put this third into the fire, and refine them as one refines silver, and test them as gold is tested. They will call upon my name, and I will answer them. I will say, 'They are my people'; and they will say, 'The Lord is my God." Zechariah 13:9
"Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver; I have tried you in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10
"And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you." 1 Peter 5:10
"The crucible is for silver, and the furnace is for gold, and the Lord tests hearts." Proverbs 17:3
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