The other day I was getting ready and Ella was right underneath my feet, “Hey, Mama, what are you gonna wear? Where are we going? What time are we going to be back? What’s for dinner? What’s for lunch? Can I take a snack? Are we gonna see daddy? What’s he doing? Why didn’t God make mermaids real? What happened to the animals in the flood that already lived in the ocean? Can I watch a movie? Can I wear make-up? What about lipstick, can I have some lipstick?” Yes, all that in less than a breath. (Sometimes I fear that she’s not going to get enough oxygen.) I’m not proud, but in complete frustration I looked down at her and said, “Could you please stop asking me questions? Go play with your brother and I’ll be ready in a minute. Then we will go.” As she walked off conviction hit me like a ton of bricks and I realized the hypocrite that I was. I do the exact same thing with my Heavenly Father, but I don’t see it that way because I am an adult. However, He has never once said “Stop talking,” or run out of patience with me.
Jesus was forever asking His disciples questions, questions He already knew the answer to. Likewise, they were always asking him questions, often the same one. Questions are good. But, when things are good in my life I’m not usually asking them. I don’t have a reason to. If life’s good, it’s just good and I don’t need to know anything else about it. But like it says in Psalm 43:5, “Why are you cast down, O my soul,” there the questioning begins. When we’re downcast we need to know why we’re there, for how long, how we got there, how we’re going to get out of it and so forth. We’re allowed to ask all we want with no fear of Him yelling at us about it.
The past three weeks since the miscarriage Matt and I have asked a ton of questions. A heap ton. TON. They consist of, but aren’t limited to:
-Why, Why did this happen, Why, Why and more Why? (That’s an obvious one, I know.)
-Was it something I did?
-Was it something I didn’t do?
-Was it something I ate? Something I didn’t eat enough of?
-Was it because something was wrong with the baby or was it just best?
-Was it really going to bring you the most glory this way?
-Could I have done something differently? Could I have done something better?
-Are we not good parents?
-You showed us favor by allowing us to get pregnant. Is this you taking that favor away?
-Are we going to be pregnant again? Will that turn out differently?
-How do we glorify you in this?
-I’m trying to trust you, how do I do that completely?
-When does it get easier? When does it hurt less? Does it?
-Is it because I doubted your goodness or sovereignty?
-Is it because I took it for granted?
-Is it because I try to “control” too much?
-Are you disappointed in me?
-What are we suppose to learn?
-Where do we go from here?
-Restoration. What does that look like?
-I don’t understand. (I understand that’s not a question, but sometimes I like to throw that up there so He knows there’s confusion on my part and I don’t know what He’s doing.)
-How could my plan be so different than yours?
-How upset should I be? How upset is “too” upset?
-Does being sad mean that I’m ungrateful for the things I do have?
-What does grief look like? Google says there are five stages…do I have to go through all five?
You get the picture and the list goes on….probably for days. Sometimes the questions are valid. Sometimes they’re selfish. And sometimes they stem from doubts and lies that come from the enemy. Regardless, they can make us question God and feel like we have control where we have none. And, thankfully so. I’m not in charge of God, He’s in charge of me. And all I have to do…is TRUST. Trust, He knows the answers, trust His plan is not only perfect, but bigger than anything I could ever conjure up. Trust, that I am His child and He WILL take care of his own. In this season of “downcast” and “questioning” He’s leading me to where He wants me to go, who He wants me to be and He will eventually lead me to the right questions. Looking back at that list I can almost see God shaking His head going, “That’s not it. That’s not the question. That’s not where I want to go yet. You’re on the right track, or you’re not even close, keep going.” Where I have to get is to the question where He goes, “THAT’S THE ONE. THAT’S THE ONE I WANT TO TALK ABOUT RIGHT THERE.” Sometimes when we’re down, we are for a reason. There’s something God wants to tell us, something He wants us to learn. I didn’t go through a miscarriage so I could come out on the other side of it “the same.” I’m going to keep asking the questions until I get to the change that He wants to see. That baby was meant for His glory, it was meant to draw me closer to Him. Knowing this, I can trust Him and walk forward in confidence that, "My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts," says the LORD. "And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.” Isaiah 55:8. There is beauty in the process. Though, it may not seem beautiful at the time. I’ve “ugly” cried more than I care to count over the past few weeks and I may “ugly” cry all the way to sanctification, but it’ll be beautiful when I get there.
So, I’m understanding why my kids ask so many questions. They just want to know stuff, don’t we all? They’re growing, getting smarter everyday. They have inquisitive minds. They ask questions, a million of them. And apparently, so do I. I’m thankful I know the One who has all the answers.
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