Count it ALL joy???

I had my post-op appointment last week. I’d been dreading it since the procedure. I mean really, who wants to go back to the doctor after carrying a baby for 10 weeks so that they can tell you, “Your body recognizes it’s no longer pregnant and everything is back to pre-pregnancy normal”…or whatever they tell you. Either way, it’s just not something you look forward to. I went to the appointment by myself. Matt kept the kids. You know the scenes in movies where someone is thinking back, and all these visions from their life are flashing by? It was like that for me. During the drive to the doctor’s office my mind was filled with vivid, life-like recollections from the past 12 weeks: looking with anticipation with Matt at the pregnancy test, watching his face light up with excitement when two pink lines appeared, giving Ella the news she was going to be a big sister again, looking in the mirror at a once flat belly that was beginning to round out, praying with the children about the parts of the baby that were developing during a certain week, sitting in the bed at midnight with a snack while Matt was ‘trying‘ to sleep. I relived it all over again, I could see it in front of me. When I got to the doctor she asked me how I was feeling, then she asked me how my heart was. I couldn’t say anything, so I just smiled as my eyes filled with tears. She hugged me and said, “It’s ok, I know. The heart heals much slower than the body.” And she’s exactly right. Right now, my joy seems so fragile...as are my emotions (I’m told that’s normal). Because it is completely normal to walk by the baby aisle in a store and lose what feels like all your sanity as tears pour down your face like a faucet. Or to be sitting in a crowded restaurant during the Sunday Lunch rush having what could only be described as an emotional breakdown as you sit with your precious family in a booth. Trust me, nobody pay attention to that girl. I digress. I read one time that joy is the hardest emotion to hold on to, it is the easiest one to lose. Lately, I’ve found that to be very true. Our ability to hold onto joy, especially in the face of adversity, can be a struggle all it’s own. When I think about what was lost, when I remember what our family was “supposed” to look like come December 28^th, when I glance down to the once “rounding-out” belly that’s not anymore, when I think about how far along I would’ve been, joy takes a backseat. But, then I’m reminded that no matter how big a blessing a pregnancy or a baby or a child is, it is NOT my joy. In that moment I begin repeating I Thessalonians 2:20 over and over, “For you are our glory and joy,” and shame on me for ever thinking otherwise.

　

I did a bible study not long ago. It talked about the close relationship between anguish and joy. Which makes total sense (slight sarcasm.) I didn’t really understand it at the time. I mean, I knew it was true, there’s scripture to back it up. But, when you are in a pit of despair, crying in a ball on the floor and your heart literally aches…where is the joy in that? Of course I would soon find out. James 1:2 is the “poster-child” verse for struggle. “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.“ Joy? When you meet trials? Doubtful. Years of reading this verse and every time I’m all like, “James, I think you’re a glutton for punishment and you might be a weird bird.” If we’re being honest. Count it ALL joy? Seriously? What if it’s bad? What if it stinks? What if it’s sad? What if I don’t like it? What if it makes my cry? What if it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done? What if I can’t do it? And then the Spirit gently reminds me, “When didn’t I work it out better than you thought? Name a time I didn’t come through for you? WHAT IF I BLOW YOUR MIND?” And, if nothing else I can find comfort in that gentle reminder and in His sovereignty. He always blows my mind, I don’t know why I keep forgetting it.

In the midst of a trial is more than likely when I’m looking to Him the most intently. It’s the time where I learn to trust the most. It’s when I realize I have no power or control over my life. It’s when I have to constantly remind myself that nothing happens to me without God knowing about it, ordaining it, and at some point turning it around to use it for “my good.“ It’s the time when I cling to His promises the hardest. It’s all I can do. James’ verse is a great example of how anguish and joy can co-exist. I can “count it ALL joy,“ the good things and the bad things because the Bible tells me too. I can “count it ALL joy,“ because mirrored with Romans 8:28 where Paul tells me that, “ALL things work together for the good of those who love Him,“ I know that His purposes are good for me no matter the circumstance. Sometimes I have to redefine “my” definition of what “good” looks like. God’s “good” is not necessarily the world’s standard for “good.“ But, we don’t know what He knows. Sovereign…one of His many wonderful attributes.

God has proven himself over and over again to be so FAITHFUL in my life, all the time, but especially during the hard stuff. Whenever it hurts, He always shows up in such a real way. His comfort and peace will surround me, doubt and fear will be nowhere around. That’s the thing about such a loving, dependable and trusting Heavenly Father. When we get the breath knocked out of us, when we receive news that makes us unable to stand on our own, when we’re faced with that situation we “thought” we couldn’t handle, He holds us up. My circumstance might be awful in a moment, but He IS so good ALL the time.

The few days after the D&C were tough. I was sad. I began to feel alone, and with such a loving husband and two children that’s hard, but my body was growing a life…and then it wasn’t. So, loneliness ensued. My hormones and emotions were all over the place and I cried more in those days than I have my whole life…and if you know me, then you know that’s a lot. So, suffocated by hormones and drowning in a sea of tears, Matt walked in one afternoon with the mail. We had received a letter from a little girl that we sponsor in El Salvador. I LOVE getting letters from her, love it. Opening her letters is the equivalent to opening a gift on Christmas morning. I’m not kidding, it is that awesome! And on a day that I needed it most God so intricately orchestrated the mail. When I opened the letter my heart was filled with joy. I was reading it and she had written her two favorite bible verses, which warmed my heart all the more, but wasn’t even the best part. At the bottom of the letter she told us about the baby brother that she now had. You might think I would have lost it after that, but I didn’t. Yay me! My joy became ecstatic. Knowing that this little girl that once had no knowledge of our Heavenly Father was not only sending me scripture, but would eventually share that knowledge with her baby brother was almost more happiness than I could handle. God brought me unrelated joy during that hard time and relieved me. He knew I needed a “pick-me up” and He was ever so faithful to provide it.

　

I guess I could easily get consumed with sadness and dwell on what was lost. I could get bitter and wonder “Why me?” But, why NOT me? God never promised happiness, (though when we follow Him in obedience happiness usually follows). He never said it would be easy, it rarely is. But, He did send His son to die on a cross in the most gruesome and painful way to cover my sins. He did promise eternity. He did promise I can “count it all joy,“ and He promised, “all things for my good.“ The closeness with Him that comes from our struggles will hopefully bring us to Him every time. He is the only one capable of providing such joy when life just hurts. And it does hurt. When trials come in our life we will bow to something. We will either submit to the pain and anguish in our lives or we will submit to Him. My knees are bent, my legs buckled. I choose to bow at the throne of Grace.