Count it ALL joy???

I had my post-op appointment last week. I’d been dreading it since the procedure. I mean really, who wants to go back to the doctor after carrying a baby for 10 weeks so that they can tell you, “Your body recognizes it’s no longer pregnant and everything is back to pre-pregnancy normal”…or whatever they tell you. Either way, it’s just not something you look forward to. I went to the appointment by myself. Matt kept the kids. You know the scenes in movies where someone is thinking back, and all these visions from their life are flashing by? It was like that for me. During the drive to the doctor’s office my mind was filled with vivid, life-like recollections from the past 12 weeks: looking with anticipation with Matt at the pregnancy test, watching his face light up with excitement when two pink lines appeared, giving Ella the news she was going to be a big sister again, looking in the mirror at a once flat belly that was beginning to round out, praying with the children about the parts of the baby that were developing during a certain week, sitting in the bed at midnight with a snack while Matt was ‘trying‘ to sleep. I relived it all over again, I could see it in front of me. When I got to the doctor she asked me how I was feeling, then she asked me how my heart was. I couldn’t say anything, so I just smiled as my eyes filled with tears. She hugged me and said, “It’s ok, I know. The heart heals much slower than the body.” And she’s exactly right. Right now, my joy seems so fragile...as are my emotions (I’m told that’s normal). Because it is completely normal to walk by the baby aisle in a store and lose what feels like all your sanity as tears pour down your face like a faucet. Or to be sitting in a crowded restaurant during the Sunday Lunch rush having what could only be described as an emotional breakdown as you sit with your precious family in a booth. Trust me, nobody pay attention to that girl. I digress. I read one time that joy is the hardest emotion to hold on to, it is the easiest one to lose. Lately, I’ve found that to be very true. Our ability to hold onto joy, especially in the face of adversity, can be a struggle all it’s own. When I think about what was lost, when I remember what our family was “supposed” to look like come December 28^th, when I glance down to the once “rounding-out” belly that’s not anymore, when I think about how far along I would’ve been, joy takes a backseat. But, then I’m reminded that no matter how big a blessing a pregnancy or a baby or a child is, it is NOT my joy. In that moment I begin repeating I Thessalonians 2:20 over and over, “For you are our glory and joy,” and shame on me for ever thinking otherwise.

　

I did a bible study not long ago. It talked about the close relationship between anguish and joy. Which makes total sense (slight sarcasm.) I didn’t really understand it at the time. I mean, I knew it was true, there’s scripture to back it up. But, when you are in a pit of despair, crying in a ball on the floor and your heart literally aches…where is the joy in that? Of course I would soon find out. James 1:2 is the “poster-child” verse for struggle. “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.“ Joy? When you meet trials? Doubtful. Years of reading this verse and every time I’m all like, “James, I think you’re a glutton for punishment and you might be a weird bird.” If we’re being honest. Count it ALL joy? Seriously? What if it’s bad? What if it stinks? What if it’s sad? What if I don’t like it? What if it makes my cry? What if it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done? What if I can’t do it? And then the Spirit gently reminds me, “When didn’t I work it out better than you thought? Name a time I didn’t come through for you? WHAT IF I BLOW YOUR MIND?” And, if nothing else I can find comfort in that gentle reminder and in His sovereignty. He always blows my mind, I don’t know why I keep forgetting it.

In the midst of a trial is more than likely when I’m looking to Him the most intently. It’s the time where I learn to trust the most. It’s when I realize I have no power or control over my life. It’s when I have to constantly remind myself that nothing happens to me without God knowing about it, ordaining it, and at some point turning it around to use it for “my good.“ It’s the time when I cling to His promises the hardest. It’s all I can do. James’ verse is a great example of how anguish and joy can co-exist. I can “count it ALL joy,“ the good things and the bad things because the Bible tells me too. I can “count it ALL joy,“ because mirrored with Romans 8:28 where Paul tells me that, “ALL things work together for the good of those who love Him,“ I know that His purposes are good for me no matter the circumstance. Sometimes I have to redefine “my” definition of what “good” looks like. God’s “good” is not necessarily the world’s standard for “good.“ But, we don’t know what He knows. Sovereign…one of His many wonderful attributes.

God has proven himself over and over again to be so FAITHFUL in my life, all the time, but especially during the hard stuff. Whenever it hurts, He always shows up in such a real way. His comfort and peace will surround me, doubt and fear will be nowhere around. That’s the thing about such a loving, dependable and trusting Heavenly Father. When we get the breath knocked out of us, when we receive news that makes us unable to stand on our own, when we’re faced with that situation we “thought” we couldn’t handle, He holds us up. My circumstance might be awful in a moment, but He IS so good ALL the time.

The few days after the D&C were tough. I was sad. I began to feel alone, and with such a loving husband and two children that’s hard, but my body was growing a life…and then it wasn’t. So, loneliness ensued. My hormones and emotions were all over the place and I cried more in those days than I have my whole life…and if you know me, then you know that’s a lot. So, suffocated by hormones and drowning in a sea of tears, Matt walked in one afternoon with the mail. We had received a letter from a little girl that we sponsor in El Salvador. I LOVE getting letters from her, love it. Opening her letters is the equivalent to opening a gift on Christmas morning. I’m not kidding, it is that awesome! And on a day that I needed it most God so intricately orchestrated the mail. When I opened the letter my heart was filled with joy. I was reading it and she had written her two favorite bible verses, which warmed my heart all the more, but wasn’t even the best part. At the bottom of the letter she told us about the baby brother that she now had. You might think I would have lost it after that, but I didn’t. Yay me! My joy became ecstatic. Knowing that this little girl that once had no knowledge of our Heavenly Father was not only sending me scripture, but would eventually share that knowledge with her baby brother was almost more happiness than I could handle. God brought me unrelated joy during that hard time and relieved me. He knew I needed a “pick-me up” and He was ever so faithful to provide it.

　

I guess I could easily get consumed with sadness and dwell on what was lost. I could get bitter and wonder “Why me?” But, why NOT me? God never promised happiness, (though when we follow Him in obedience happiness usually follows). He never said it would be easy, it rarely is. But, He did send His son to die on a cross in the most gruesome and painful way to cover my sins. He did promise eternity. He did promise I can “count it all joy,“ and He promised, “all things for my good.“ The closeness with Him that comes from our struggles will hopefully bring us to Him every time. He is the only one capable of providing such joy when life just hurts. And it does hurt. When trials come in our life we will bow to something. We will either submit to the pain and anguish in our lives or we will submit to Him. My knees are bent, my legs buckled. I choose to bow at the throne of Grace.

20 questions..."ish"

Like sands on the beach, are the questions that start with, “Why?” It may seem dramatic, but if you have kids or know someone who does then you know there is no exaggeration in that statement whatsoever. I hear it all day, ALL day. And as the children grow, so do the questions. It becomes not just ‘why,’ but questions that require actual thought and explanation. If you want to challenge your mind and stretch your brain….spend a day with a child! There’s a quote that says, “The only stupid question is the one that goes unasked.“ I tend to agree and it’s an endearing thought, really, but when Cale asks me if he can eat something out of the trash my mind tends to go to “stupid question.“


The other day I was getting ready and Ella was right underneath my feet, “Hey, Mama, what are you gonna wear? Where are we going? What time are we going to be back? What’s for dinner? What’s for lunch? Can I take a snack? Are we gonna see daddy? What’s he doing? Why didn’t God make mermaids real? What happened to the animals in the flood that already lived in the ocean? Can I watch a movie? Can I wear make-up? What about lipstick, can I have some lipstick?” Yes, all that in less than a breath. (Sometimes I fear that she’s not going to get enough oxygen.) I’m not proud, but in complete frustration I looked down at her and said, “Could you please stop asking me questions? Go play with your brother and I’ll be ready in a minute. Then we will go.” As she walked off conviction hit me like a ton of bricks and I realized the hypocrite that I was. I do the exact same thing with my Heavenly Father, but I don’t see it that way because I am an adult. However, He has never once said “Stop talking,” or run out of patience with me.


Jesus was forever asking His disciples questions, questions He already knew the answer to. Likewise, they were always asking him questions, often the same one. Questions are good. But, when things are good in my life I’m not usually asking them. I don’t have a reason to. If life’s good, it’s just good and I don’t need to know anything else about it. But like it says in Psalm 43:5, “Why are you cast down, O my soul,” there the questioning begins. When we’re downcast we need to know why we’re there, for how long, how we got there, how we’re going to get out of it and so forth. We’re allowed to ask all we want with no fear of Him yelling at us about it.


The past three weeks since the miscarriage Matt and I have asked a ton of questions. A heap ton. TON. They consist of, but aren’t limited to:

-Why, Why did this happen, Why, Why and more Why? (That’s an obvious one, I know.)
-Was it something I did?
-Was it something I didn’t do?
-Was it something I ate? Something I didn’t eat enough of?
-Was it because something was wrong with the baby or was it just best?
-Was it really going to bring you the most glory this way?
-Could I have done something differently? Could I have done something better?
-Are we not good parents?
-You showed us favor by allowing us to get pregnant. Is this you taking that favor away?
-Are we going to be pregnant again? Will that turn out differently?
-How do we glorify you in this?
-I’m trying to trust you, how do I do that completely?
-When does it get easier? When does it hurt less? Does it?
-Is it because I doubted your goodness or sovereignty?
-Is it because I took it for granted?
-Is it because I try to “control” too much?
-Are you disappointed in me?
-What are we suppose to learn?
-Where do we go from here?
-Restoration. What does that look like?
-I don’t understand. (I understand that’s not a question, but sometimes I like to throw that up there so He knows there’s confusion on my part and I don’t know what He’s doing.)
-How could my plan be so different than yours?
-How upset should I be? How upset is “too” upset?
-Does being sad mean that I’m ungrateful for the things I do have?
-What does grief look like? Google says there are five stages…do I have to go through all five?


You get the picture and the list goes on….probably for days. Sometimes the questions are valid. Sometimes they’re selfish. And sometimes they stem from doubts and lies that come from the enemy. Regardless, they can make us question God and feel like we have control where we have none. And, thankfully so. I’m not in charge of God, He’s in charge of me. And all I have to do…is TRUST. Trust, He knows the answers, trust His plan is not only perfect, but bigger than anything I could ever conjure up. Trust, that I am His child and He WILL take care of his own. In this season of “downcast” and “questioning” He’s leading me to where He wants me to go, who He wants me to be and He will eventually lead me to the right questions. Looking back at that list I can almost see God shaking His head going, “That’s not it. That’s not the question. That’s not where I want to go yet. You’re on the right track, or you’re not even close, keep going.” Where I have to get is to the question where He goes, “THAT’S THE ONE. THAT’S THE ONE I WANT TO TALK ABOUT RIGHT THERE.” Sometimes when we’re down, we are for a reason. There’s something God wants to tell us, something He wants us to learn. I didn’t go through a miscarriage so I could come out on the other side of it “the same.” I’m going to keep asking the questions until I get to the change that He wants to see. That baby was meant for His glory, it was meant to draw me closer to Him. Knowing this, I can trust Him and walk forward in confidence that, "My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts," says the LORD. "And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.” Isaiah 55:8. There is beauty in the process. Though, it may not seem beautiful at the time. I’ve “ugly” cried more than I care to count over the past few weeks and I may “ugly” cry all the way to sanctification, but it’ll be beautiful when I get there.


So, I’m understanding why my kids ask so many questions. They just want to know stuff, don’t we all? They’re growing, getting smarter everyday. They have inquisitive minds. They ask questions, a million of them. And apparently, so do I. I’m thankful I know the One who has all the answers.  

Our Great Comforter

In April we found out we were pregnant with our third baby. We were all thrilled, and more than anybody Ella was ready to wear the crown of “big sister” once again. She had been hounding us for a baby for quite some time. On Monday, June 3 we saw that precious baby on ultrasound for the first time. Our world stopped when there was no heart beat. Matt and I sat in the ultrasound room and cried together. It’s amazing how you can love someone so much that you’ve never even met. It was the hardest thing we’ve gone through as a couple…and a family to this point. We held on to His promise that, “for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.“ Romans 8:28. But, my heart broke twice that day. Once, when we found out we’d never hold the baby I’d been carrying for 10 weeks and again when I had to tell our precious Ella that mommy wasn’t pregnant anymore and that our baby was with Jesus. I saw her heart break as clearly as I could see her lip primp up and tears stream down her face. She asked me, “Why?” I told her that I didn’t know why. That the Lord gives and He takes away. And we don’t always know why He does what He does, but that we do always know that His will is perfect. For whatever the reason, He knew that our baby needed to be with Him in Heaven. I told her I thought she was a wonderful big sister and that I was almost certain the Lord wanted her to be a big sister again….someday, somehow, just not right now. As I held her in my lap crying, it dawned on me that we were in His lap crying. The wonderful thing about our Heavenly Father is that he can sympathize with our every emotion. And I believe that He not only keeps track of our tears, but cries with us. He meets us where we are and just because He knows something is best, doesn’t mean He doesn’t know it’s not hard. One of my favorite verses is in Acts 7, at the stoning of Stephen. No, I’m not being morbid….hang with me. Verse 55 says, “But he, full of the Holy Spirit, gazed into heaven and saw the glory of God, and Jesus standing at the right hand of God.” Did you catch that? STANDING. Most of the time in the Bible we read that Jesus is sitting at the right hand of the father…Mark 16, Luke 22, Colossians 3 and Ephesians3, to name a few. But, not here, watching over Stephen as he’s about to be stoned to death, Jesus is standing. Like it’s important, it matters, it affects him. So much that He has to stand. He’s such a caring God. And in those broken moments holding Ella…He was holding us.

The days after we found out were just as hard. There is great emotional difficulty carrying a baby that you know isn’t living. For me, that was worse than the actual pain itself. The night before the procedure I was having contractions that on a scale from 1 to 10 could only be described as 11. I cried to Matt that usually at the end of this pain was a baby that made it all worth it. That wasn’t the case for us. I had a d&c yesterday. We were hoping it wouldn’t come to that and that my body would just handle it naturally, but it didn’t. It was a hard day….again. The finality of it all hit and I cried all the way to the hospital and on and off while we were there. We decided as we were waiting that it should have a name. It was too early to tell what it was so we would have to pick something that would work for both. But, it was a baby, a life, a part of our family, a child of God and therefore needed a name. And one day when we meet in Heaven we wanted to be able to call it by name. So, we decided on Aubrey. Aubrey Euten. Matt said on the way home from the hospital that he was trying to figure out where he had messed up or done something wrong to make this happen. I assured him this wasn’t punishment and the two didn’t go together at all. I told him I didn’t know the reason(s) but that I did know that in 10 weeks of carrying it and 3 days carrying it knowing it wasn’t alive had already brought me closer to the Lord. What a powerful little life…to affect someone in such a mighty way and never even been born. It’s one of the hardest things in the world not to think that when bad things happen it’s not a result of our sin. And sometimes it is. But, sometimes they are lessons, the Lord is giving us some “spiritual muscle.” The enemy always wants us to think that its our fault and that God is punishing us or not showing us love. But, God is love and everything He does flows from it. John 15:9 says, “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love.”

God has been so faithful to hold me up during these days. His hands have been all over us from the beginning. I’m amazed at who He is and how He loves us. He has literally pounded me with some rich scriptures this week. Before my feeble mind can go somewhere it shouldn’t or the enemy starts to feed me a lie, God has been right there with His truth. I’m thankful for His encouragement. Our life is in His hands…that alone we don’t deserve. Thankful for the cross, humbled by His words and amazed at His grace and mercy. One of my most precious friends came over today. In a card she gave me she reminded me that there is a precious Euten worshipping our Heavenly Father at the throne of grace. And one day we will join Aubrey in that. I’ll leave you with this little treasure…”He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.” 2 Corinthians 1:4.

The "secret" of life...

Nine years ago, this week, I met Matt for the first time. I didn’t know when I first saw him that I was looking at the person the Lord had so intricately and perfectly made and prepared for me. I didn’t know when I first met him that he was about to change my life forever, in so many wonderful ways, (I also didn’t know he would exasperate me to the core of my being.) And, I didn’t know that the first, “Hello, it’s nice to meet you,” was coming from the one that I had prayed for so many years.

I started praying for my husband when I was in high school. I prayed for a Godly man, who had a heart for the Lord and would be a spiritual leader (Even though at that time it was probably most important for him to be cute, athletic, tall, dark and handsome). I prayed the Lord would put me with the man that He chose and made for me. Though, secretly, I wanted to pick “the one” and have the Lord be “OK” with the decision I had made. He doesn’t work that way. If we’re going to let him have it, we have to let Him have ALL of it and we have to be content with relinquishing the control that we selfishly need to keep us comfortable.

The Lord brought Matt to Auburn my junior year. We didn’t know each other. We may have crossed paths, but hadn’t met. Thinking back on this week of that year that we met, I was still praying that same prayer. I did it every night, so I’m sure I would have been doing it that week too. And, I was probably a little bitter that there were no "answers" in sight. Little did I know the prayer wasn’t ignored or forgotten, it had already been answered. In my mind, at that time, marriage had no prospects and was a lifetime away. By my senior year of college, I began to think that the Lord wasn’t concerned with the prayer I had been praying for my husband. So, I surrendered my control and was content with what appeared to be my “call to singleness.” (Dramatic? Probably a little.) Only God knew He was getting ready to give me what I had asked for in a greater way than I had even known to ask.

As I sit here now, thinking about that time in my life when I felt forgotten, I can see what the Lord was doing. God wasn’t ignoring my prayer; He was preparing Matt, He was preparing me and He was using that time to draw me closer to Himself, knowing all the while the answer to my prayer was literally around the corner…and had been. It makes me excited now to think of the things that I have been praying for that He has already “secretly” answered.

This is such a special week for me. I love to think of the MIGHTY work God was doing on our behalf nine years ago, it brings tears to my eyes and humbles my heart. I prayed over Jeremiah 29:11 for so long and with my whole heart, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” When we can’t believe anything else, we can believe His Word. What a blessing when we wait on the Lord. After all, anything that’s worth anything is worth the wait.

Ella's Christmas Program

Ella's school had a Christmas program. It was such a special event that the entire school participated in, grades K-12. They sang some beautiful songs. And we loved being part of such a special occasion that celebrated the birth of our Lord and Savior.

Ella before we left

Ella and Mama

Daddy's little girl

 

 

Kindergarteners during the program

 

 

 

 

 

Clearly, she was tickled with him

 

 

 

And, Cale

 

Praying for my kids...

I love the commercial that takes place in a high school. There’s a timid-looking, scrawny boy minding his own business when another boy runs by and slaps all his books out of his hand causing papers to fall out and go everywhere. As he bends down to pick them up the obviously popular jock comes over and helps him gather all of his things. It’s possible I cry every time. I want to raise kids like that-kids that genuinely care about others more than themselves. And in today’s world that’s a tough job. In a world that’s screaming, “It’s all about me,” how do we teach our children to care about others? To overcome selfishness? To step outside the box and instead of just watching when someone gets treated badly to step up and help? Or, most of all, that what the world is saying is wrong and that’s it’s “NOT about me at all?” It’s simple really. We point them to Jesus. We pray for them deliberately, intentionally and daily. The awesome thing is, He answers those prayers. Being a control freak myself, it’s hard to let that go. But, like most things it’s just not mine to hold onto. The shape of my children’s heart is in His hands. Their compassion and love for others comes from Him, not me. How do I know this? Because that’s where mine comes from…when I let Him do his job.

I went on a field trip with Ella this week. I don’t get to see her at school. I don’t see her interaction with her peers on a daily basis. Other than what her teacher tells me I don’t know how she acts when I’m not around. Obviously, we hope for the best. But, today I got to see all those things. I was humbled at the person the Lord is making her to be. I was thankful for his faithfulness in turning her into a respectful and obedient child. I see her everyday, but I was amazed at how much she’s grown. When we got home Matt asked how it went. I told him, “She is so good.” And, crying, I continued, “and I am so hard on her.” I feel like I’m always getting onto her about something, correcting her, disciplining her, rebuking her. Only to find out when I’m not around she acts like she remembers the things we’ve told her. My heart hurt a little. And then he said this, “Abby, don’t you think she’s that way because you are so hard on her?” Well, no, I didn’t. Really, it just makes me feel mean. And then it hit me. That’s how our heavenly father is with us. He’s not easy on us. He lets us go through things to toughen us up, make us stronger, things that are going to give us some spiritual muscle. We don’t become soldiers for Christ because he “babies” us, makes excuses for us or jumps in to save us from our battles. He lets us fail, allows us to mess up and loves us through it. If we let him, he picks us up and turns us around. I love Ella….with my whole heart. Even when I’m mad at her or disappointed. I discipline her because I love her not because I don’t. I expect a lot out of her because I know what she’s capable of. I correct her because I want her to be better than me. I want her to be like Him.

While we were on the field trip one of the moms came up to me who has a son in Ella’s class. She told me that one day while they were playing on the playground some of the boys were racing and her son got pushed down. He stayed on the ground for a minute and started crying. She said she watched as Ella got off her swing, helped him up and dusted him off. Ella then said, “Here, you can have my swing.” Answered prayer. I don’t say this because Ella is a “perfect and exceptional” child. She’s not. She’s human, she’s a sinner and she is a child. She pitches fits, has melt downs, is sassy at times and can back-talk like it’s her job. I’m not a perfect parent. I’m human, I’m a sinner, I’m just a parent. I lose my temper, I have no patience and she and I, on any day, go round and round. I say this because there is power in praying for our children. As parents, it is by far the most powerful tool we have in raising them. Pray for them and over them in all aspects of their lives and who they are. If there is something about our children that is a hardship or struggle, it’s probably because we haven’t prayed about it. And that is nobody’s fault but our own. The list goes on about ways in which we pray for our children. On any given day, any given parent could probably write a novel full of ways in which they could pray for their kids. And on a day-to-day basis it changes. But, there are some things I always pray for Ella and Cale. I pray they will grow to love the Lord with all they have. I pray they will walk so closely with Him that when they sin the holy spirit pounds them immediately with conviction, if not before. I pray they will be compassionate and humble and love like He does. I pray they will have a fire and passion in their hearts to learn His word and live from his truth. I pray that they will have a spirit of discernment and walk in obedience. And I pray their happiness comes from their obedience and love for Him, not from selfish desires or worldly things. Without fail I pray these things because I know that no matter how much money they make, how well known or popular or powerful they are, how awesome they are at relationships or how happy they may be, it means nothing if they don’t know the Lord. And, I know that with EVERY breath I take if I don’t point them to Jesus, then I haven’t done my job as a parent.

The Glue...

There’s a quote that says, “I’m not only thankful for who you are, but for who I am when I am with you.” I never thought about it much until now, but sadly, there are far too few people that bring out the best in us and people that we can say that about. I think we are beyond blessed when can count those people on one hand. My grandmother was one of those people. Three years ago, on Thanksgiving day, the Lord took her home. It makes a day like today bittersweet. Thanksgiving doesn’t look like it did 10 years ago. It used to be a huge event….all our family, too much food, lots of laughing and of course, fighting in the kitchen. It was the one holiday we waited for all year cause it meant we were ALL getting together, getting dressed up, eating awesome food and just loving each other past all irritation cause that’s what family does. Nana was glue. I know what you’re thinking, “You just called your grandmother glue? What in the world?” You don’t have to think about it too hard, every family has one. The one person that holds it all together, that held us all together. And, it seems in some way, when that one person is no longer around, it breaks. Like glue…it holds things together, but when the bond breaks the pieces fall apart. It’s not all sad, it’s not all bad. It’s the nature of life, it’s growing up. We have families, we move, we get in-laws or friends that though not blood inevitably infiltrate our lives in such a way that they are in a sense family. Life. It happens. Things change. We go forward. We don’t forget, we cherish the memories and then we make our own. The thing about glue, when something breaks, is that all the parts still have some bit of residue left that will not come off. All of our “pieces” have some glue on them. There’s most definitely a little piece of Nana “on” all of us. Probably more so than we thought.

I miss her terribly, more now than ever. But, I’m thankful for the memories and for the 27 years that I had to learn and grow from her. I learned so much, things I didn’t know I had until after she wasn’t around anymore. She wasn’t only the glue, she was a spiritual leader. Because of Nana, I know what true conviction looks like. I understand what it means to have a relationship with my heavenly father and walk with him daily. Out of all the things she gave me, that was priceless. I know how important that is. I called her with all my questions about the Bible or scripture. She’s not here, where do I go? The Lord. Sometimes, when the Lord takes our resident strong one, it’s because He has given us a divine appointment to step up. When I looked around and she wasn’t there, I had to look to Him on my own. Through the loss, there was great gain…there always is. He’s God. So, yes, today’s been difficult. But, it’s been filled with blessing. I’ve thought about our HUGE family gatherings all day and remembered her. I thought about what she looked like cooking in the kitchen and how I never thought I’d be able to pull off a Thanksgiving dinner. Today I planned a meal and delegated (some) responsibility to my husband and watched my son literally walk around in his daddy’s footsteps. Today I cooked with my little girl, who just like my grandmother, loves it more than anything. They are just alike. Today we made memories that I hope she will cherish, I know I will. And, maybe, just maybe, I got a little glue on my daughter…and over time, it’ll dry.

This is a list of some things about Nana that I hope to never forget. Most of it I wrote three years ago.

What I’ll miss most …
1. Your banana pudding. NOBODY can make it like you could.
2. The streak in the front of your hair.
3. How you could take a piece of clothing or jewelry that cost close to nothing and make it look like a million bucks just by wearing it.
4. Your unique style and awesome fashion sense.
5. Your laugh, I’m afraid I’ll forget how it sounded.
6. Your sense of humor.
7. Your bluntness and opinions. Like the preacher said at the funeral, “If Nancy Dee ever had an opinion she didn’t share, I didn’t know about it.”
8. Being able to call you with questions about the bible or scripture. I don’t know anyone else who has read it from cover to cover at least three times.
9. Your advice…I’ll never forget you telling me that it is ok to fight and have differences of opinions with the ones you love. “If you’re not fighting, someone’s not saying what they REALLY think.”
10. How you would get ready for our big family holiday gatherings and look so beautiful, but 30 minutes later come out in a raggedy tank top cause you were hot.
11. Giving Papa what for and keeping him in line.
12. Seeing you love him despite all irritation.
13. Reading with me and explaining English literature when I didn’t understand.
14. Your innate love of animals and ALL God’s creatures…I see that same quality in Ella.
15. You could take care of a dog as if you were a vet, without actually having gone to vet school.
16. Your cooking. How you didn’t need a recipe, you just kept tasting it to make sure it was how it was supposed to be.
17. Your ability to sew, hem and generally fix any wardrobe malfunction in seconds.
18. Calling to tell me how much you enjoyed reading the latest post on the blog, how talented you thought I was and how much you enjoyed looking at the pictures of the kids and how precious you thought they were.
19. Your hugs and the way you smell. It was all so comforting.
20. Your ability to find a priceless treasure in a junk store and your ability to find those “junk” stores.
21. Knowing we would ALWAYS have something to talk about as long as you were in the room.
22. Our shopping trips.
23. Our long talks
24. Even our short talks.
25. Calling it “Nana and Papa’s.”
26. Sitting in your room on your bed with all the girls talking about something or nothing.
27. Watching “Out of Africa” and “The Sound of Music” and “Anne of Green Gables,” without you I never would have.
28. All your dogs and meeting the latest stray whatever you happened to have found and brought home.
29. Your passion for the Lord and your strong convictions and beliefs about everything.
30. How anyone who knew you, knew exactly what you believed and how much you loved Jesus.
31. Hearing you sing in church while I stood beside you.
32. How you knew the words to the Hymns without having to look at the Hymnal.
33. Holidays at your house.
34. Watching you sport a ball cap as if you were walking down the red carpet.
35. Staying up late to watch movies.
36. Hearing my friends use words like “saucy”, “vivacious” and “spunky” to describe you and knowing they were right.
37. Watching you age without ever looking any older.
38. Watching you with my children.
39. Calling me every time you got a new planner to make sure you had birthdays and anniversaries correct.
40. Hearing stories about Papaw and your childhood.
41. The way you could write stories and poems.
42. Getting those poems in a birthday card, be it mine or Ella’s.
43. Knowing when I got in your car the radio would inevitably be on the “preaching” station.
44. Running errands around town and running into everyone you know because you knew EVERYONE.
45. How you were so proud of me, for no reason.
46. The summers I spent with you and Papa while I took some core classes…I’m SO thankful I did that.
47. Always asking me if I had gas money…even after I got married!
48. How it sounded when you said, “I love you.”
49. Snuggling up to you on the couch whether I was 5 or 25.
50. I could always count on you for an HONEST answer.
51. I could always count on you.