Our Great Comforter

In April we found out we were pregnant with our third baby. We were all thrilled, and more than anybody Ella was ready to wear the crown of “big sister” once again. She had been hounding us for a baby for quite some time. On Monday, June 3 we saw that precious baby on ultrasound for the first time. Our world stopped when there was no heart beat. Matt and I sat in the ultrasound room and cried together. It’s amazing how you can love someone so much that you’ve never even met. It was the hardest thing we’ve gone through as a couple…and a family to this point. We held on to His promise that, “for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.“ Romans 8:28. But, my heart broke twice that day. Once, when we found out we’d never hold the baby I’d been carrying for 10 weeks and again when I had to tell our precious Ella that mommy wasn’t pregnant anymore and that our baby was with Jesus. I saw her heart break as clearly as I could see her lip primp up and tears stream down her face. She asked me, “Why?” I told her that I didn’t know why. That the Lord gives and He takes away. And we don’t always know why He does what He does, but that we do always know that His will is perfect. For whatever the reason, He knew that our baby needed to be with Him in Heaven. I told her I thought she was a wonderful big sister and that I was almost certain the Lord wanted her to be a big sister again….someday, somehow, just not right now. As I held her in my lap crying, it dawned on me that we were in His lap crying. The wonderful thing about our Heavenly Father is that he can sympathize with our every emotion. And I believe that He not only keeps track of our tears, but cries with us. He meets us where we are and just because He knows something is best, doesn’t mean He doesn’t know it’s not hard. One of my favorite verses is in Acts 7, at the stoning of Stephen. No, I’m not being morbid….hang with me. Verse 55 says, “But he, full of the Holy Spirit, gazed into heaven and saw the glory of God, and Jesus standing at the right hand of God.” Did you catch that? STANDING. Most of the time in the Bible we read that Jesus is sitting at the right hand of the father…Mark 16, Luke 22, Colossians 3 and Ephesians3, to name a few. But, not here, watching over Stephen as he’s about to be stoned to death, Jesus is standing. Like it’s important, it matters, it affects him. So much that He has to stand. He’s such a caring God. And in those broken moments holding Ella…He was holding us.

The days after we found out were just as hard. There is great emotional difficulty carrying a baby that you know isn’t living. For me, that was worse than the actual pain itself. The night before the procedure I was having contractions that on a scale from 1 to 10 could only be described as 11. I cried to Matt that usually at the end of this pain was a baby that made it all worth it. That wasn’t the case for us. I had a d&c yesterday. We were hoping it wouldn’t come to that and that my body would just handle it naturally, but it didn’t. It was a hard day….again. The finality of it all hit and I cried all the way to the hospital and on and off while we were there. We decided as we were waiting that it should have a name. It was too early to tell what it was so we would have to pick something that would work for both. But, it was a baby, a life, a part of our family, a child of God and therefore needed a name. And one day when we meet in Heaven we wanted to be able to call it by name. So, we decided on Aubrey. Aubrey Euten. Matt said on the way home from the hospital that he was trying to figure out where he had messed up or done something wrong to make this happen. I assured him this wasn’t punishment and the two didn’t go together at all. I told him I didn’t know the reason(s) but that I did know that in 10 weeks of carrying it and 3 days carrying it knowing it wasn’t alive had already brought me closer to the Lord. What a powerful little life…to affect someone in such a mighty way and never even been born. It’s one of the hardest things in the world not to think that when bad things happen it’s not a result of our sin. And sometimes it is. But, sometimes they are lessons, the Lord is giving us some “spiritual muscle.” The enemy always wants us to think that its our fault and that God is punishing us or not showing us love. But, God is love and everything He does flows from it. John 15:9 says, “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love.”

God has been so faithful to hold me up during these days. His hands have been all over us from the beginning. I’m amazed at who He is and how He loves us. He has literally pounded me with some rich scriptures this week. Before my feeble mind can go somewhere it shouldn’t or the enemy starts to feed me a lie, God has been right there with His truth. I’m thankful for His encouragement. Our life is in His hands…that alone we don’t deserve. Thankful for the cross, humbled by His words and amazed at His grace and mercy. One of my most precious friends came over today. In a card she gave me she reminded me that there is a precious Euten worshipping our Heavenly Father at the throne of grace. And one day we will join Aubrey in that. I’ll leave you with this little treasure…”He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.” 2 Corinthians 1:4.