To Ella:

7 Things You Need to Know about Your Heavenly Father:

More than worldly ‘success’, I want you to be obedient to what the Lord calls you to do no matter the cost. More than popularity, I want you to know relationship with your Heavenly Father in a deep and personal way. More than academic knowledge I want you to have biblical wisdom. And more than common sense, I want you to have a spirit of discernment that you’ll know His voice as well or better than you know mine when we are talking together. But, mostly I want you to have a heart like His. That you’ll be a light in this world and glorify Him in all you do. I pray all these things for you, and now I want you to know some things about your Heavenly Father that I wish I had known so much earlier in my life. He has entrusted me with enormous responsibility. It is my job to point you to Him with every breath I take and so my “mommy brain” doesn’t forget some of the basics I’m writing them down so we can talk about them together from time to time.

1. Your Heavenly Father will speak to you softly and in quiet moments.

God speaks to our hearts and minds. I can’t tell you exactly what it sounds like. But, you’ll know, you’ll feel it in your heart. I’ve been praying that you would have a spirit of discernment for such a long time. I want this so badly for you. The enemy will lie to you. He will tell you things that sound true, but aren’t. Remember, he tried to lie to Jesus in the desert and trick him using scripture. When the enemy tells you lies, it will make you doubt. That’s your red flag right there- the doubt. John 10: 27 says, “My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me.” You will know it when you hear it, and if it’s the Holy Spirit you will have NO DOUBT. So train yourself, spend time with Him and hide His Word in your heart and mind so you’ll also know when it’s being used as a lie. It took me a long time to discern the voice of the Holy Spirit. My dad is a loud, type A, aggressive person. When I was a child and he would yell for me, my shoulders would shrug up to my ears, my body flinched and my heart would jump up into my throat. Whether or not I knew I was in trouble I could always tell by his tone. So, I thought the holy spirit would sound like that….you know, when God, who created the entire world, wanted to talk to me or discipline me then the heavens would open and His voice would beckon me like the thunder. That’s not so, He whispers to us and if we’re not paying attention, we miss it. So, be a good listener.

2. He’s a GREAT teacher, the best.

Don’t go looking for someone else to teach you what only He can. He knows you better than anyone, even me. He knows the hairs on your head. He knows the things you want, the things you need and the things you “think” you want, but don’t need. Let Him do His job. All scripture is “breathed out by God.“ So, when you don’t know the answer, I assure you it’s in His word. He knows what you’ve been through, what’s to come and how you’ll handle those things. Nothing surprises Him. His plan is perfect. Let Him lead you in all things, ALL THINGS! And also, the moment you’re convinced He needs to teach someone a lesson is when He will teach you one. He’s ALL about teaching humility…and those lessons are always fun to learn. Except not.

3. He disciplines out of LOVE

He is patient and forgiving, those are beautiful attributes of His character. It’s so important that you know this. Most of the time I fail here as your mom. I discipline you sometimes out of anger, sometimes because what you did “inconvenienced” me in some way, and sometimes because you didn’t do what I thought you should or wanted you to. I’m trying to be more like Him in this way, but I’ll always be a sinner no matter how hard I try and your Heavenly Father, unlike me, will never discipline you out of inconvenience or anger. Revelation 3:19 says, “Those whom I love, I discipline.” When you know that He is disciplining you; repent and know that He loves you. He loves you too much to let you continue in your sin! His discipline is a GOOD thing!

4. He is LOVE and loves you as if you were the only one.

Last week in school you had to memorize John 3:16. That pretty much sums up the gospel and His love for us. “For God so loved the world, he gave His only son.“ I don’t love anybody enough to give you up, but I’m not Jesus. He loves you with an everlasting love. “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love.“ John 15:9. Romans tells us that “while we were still sinners, Christ died for us“. So, it doesn’t matter what you’ve done. You could never do anything that would make Him love you less. He is greater than all your sin. He died for it. We live in a world based on “conditional love.” Love that comes with strings. People will “love” you because you act a certain way or do certain things, maybe even because of how you look or what you wear. There will be people in your life that will make you feel like if you mess up or don’t do it their way they won’t love you anymore. My best advice is look to Him for your love and your approval, His opinion IS the ONLY one that matters.

5. He will push you.

“Comfort” is not His thing. So if you are comfortable, then get ready to move. This is pretty much life. Without Him, we’re not equipped for anything. But, He will call you to do things you won’t feel equipped to do. Pray, lean on Him and then be assured you have everything you need to accomplish His call. In Him is where we do more than we ever thought we could. Those things that we’ll look back afterward and go, “I can’t believe I did that.“ We are never fighting a bigger battle than when we are doing work for the kingdom-no matter what that work is. And you don’t have to be good at it, just available. And, know that in this place where God is pushing you, Satan is fighting you. For every good and perfect thing God does you better know Satan has a counterfeit.

6. His “good” is not always what you’ll deem as “good.”

Sometimes things happen that don’t seem good or fair. That doesn’t mean that it’s not His will or that you‘re being punished. If you’re living in unrepentant sin that may be the case, but if you’re seeking Him then He’s teaching you something and drawing you closer to Himself. Not all trials are a result of our sin, When you want to strengthen a muscle you work it, hard. So, sometimes He works our “spiritual muscles.“ James and Romans both talk about trials in tribulation and rejoicing in our sufferings. His will is perfect, He sees the big picture. We don’t. You just have to trust Him. This can be hard. So, be honest, tell Him it’s hard. He may or may not give you understanding at that time, but He will always give you peace and comfort. Romans 8:28 says, “He works all things together for the good of those who love Him.” The word “all” there, literally means everything. So, when it seems bad (and there will be bad) just know that He Will bring good out of it. God WILL do what He says He will do, He will make good on His promises-EVERY TIME!

7. He wants a relationship with YOU.

You are not just a number in a world of billions. You aren’t just a being He created and left to fend for yourself. You are a DAUGHTER of the one true King and Creator of the World. You are an heir to God and His kingdom! He is your Father. You are in first grade right now. When your dad or I pick you up from school, you TALK. OUR. EARS. OFF. You give every detail of your day, including who picked their nose, how many times you went to the bathroom, who said what and what made you laugh. Do this with God. Talk to him all day about all things. He wants to know the details of your life. And the more you talk to Him and include Him in those details the easier it is for you to depend on Him for not just the big things, but the little things too. The world tells us God is too busy. He’s got too much going on. One, single being isn’t important to the creator of the world. But, you were important enough for Him to create in the first place, and He doesn’t do anything that won’t bring Him glory….so, glorify HIM!

I can honestly tell you that I’ve learned the most about 1-7 just in the almost 7 years that I’ve been a parent. I learned so much about how He loves us because of how I love you and your brother. I don’t know how anyone could parent without Jesus. I don’t know how anybody does anything without Jesus. And I never want you to.

A Wonderful Gift...

Tomorrow Cale will be 4. The plan is to give him his bike when he wakes up. He'll ask me for a Popsicle for breakfast because he always does and tomorrow ill say yes...cause it's a special day. Tomorrow night I'll cook his favorite dinner and we'll open the rest of his gifts and sing, "Happy Birthday." I didn't know this until a long time after he was born, but he wasn't breathing when he came out...and didn't for awhile. They called in more nurses and another doctor, they were frantically working to draw that first breath. Tomorrow could have been a very different day for us. So, tonight I'm thanking The Lord (like I have a million times) for the wisdom He gave the doctors and nurses that day and that he gave Cale that first breath and for every one He has given him since! So thankful. And humbled. And blessed.

"Whoa, Nellie!"

As a mom with young children people always tell me, “Enjoy this time while they’re little, before you know it they’ll be grown.” I hear it all the time. I know this to be true too because I blinked and that squishy baby girl I was rocking to sleep I am now sending to the first grade in two weeks. I turned around and the sweet baby boy napping in the cradle is now climbing up the counters to get his own snack. So, I don’t disagree at all that time literally flies. The Bible tells us that our life is a vapor. Some translations say mist or morning fog. And in my experience there’s no joking in the Bible, if it’s spoken or promised in God’s Word then it’s already come to pass or will. So when the Spirit pressed it upon James to tell us that our “life is just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away,” he wasn’t kidding. So, the thing that I don’t quite get is when I’m told to, “enjoy it.” Why? Does that slow it down? Does it mean they won’t grow up? No, it doesn’t. See, the thing is, I do enjoy it and despite my best efforts my children are growing up before my very eyes. It almost makes me want to not enjoy it. Maybe if I didn’t enjoy them so much they wouldn’t grow up so fast. Totally kidding, I think. But, it seems to me the more I enjoy something, the faster it goes by.

The good things never last long enough. Our children grow too fast, the weekend is over before it starts, Christmas comes and goes like a whirlwind. Vacation, it’s like what? A week. My grandmother was 70 when she died, but the time I had with her wasn’t long enough. The moments where I get divine revelation with my Heavenly Father and I have such a close and personal encounter with Him that I can’t wait for the next time He invests in me like that…those times are so sporadic and I want more. I want to hear Him speak to me like that every day, it’s not enough. It never is. Maybe that’s what makes those “good” things SO good. We get just enough to leave us wanting more. Notice how the bad things and the hard times just linger on till what seems like forever? You don’t ever hear people say, “Hey, enjoy that trial. You’ll miss it when it’s gone.” Um, no I won’t. I grew from it (hopefully), I surely came closer to the Lord (thankfully), I learned some valuable lessons (more than likely), but I dang sure won’t miss the pain. Sayonara trial! Don’t let the door hit ya!

So, maybe that’s the way it’s supposed to be. Our most fun times, best memories, favorite parts of our life, people we love the most, the growth of our children…Quick, a blink, a mist, a vapor. If things weren’t over before we knew it we might long for this world when we should long for eternity with Him. I get glimpses of His awesomeness in all my “good” things: watching my children learn, grow, play, sleep. Spending time with the ones I love most, feeling my toes in the sand, date nights with my husband, remembering the things I loved as a child, the people He put in my life solely as blessings, watching those relationships grow and seeing others grow closer to Him on a daily basis. I know His love for me partly because of the things He gives me that I love. “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places,” Ephesians 1:3. So, enjoy it. I must. I do. But, that doesn’t slow it down. It does, however, ensure I don’t look back on it with regret.

Count it ALL joy???

I had my post-op appointment last week. I’d been dreading it since the procedure. I mean really, who wants to go back to the doctor after carrying a baby for 10 weeks so that they can tell you, “Your body recognizes it’s no longer pregnant and everything is back to pre-pregnancy normal”…or whatever they tell you. Either way, it’s just not something you look forward to. I went to the appointment by myself. Matt kept the kids. You know the scenes in movies where someone is thinking back, and all these visions from their life are flashing by? It was like that for me. During the drive to the doctor’s office my mind was filled with vivid, life-like recollections from the past 12 weeks: looking with anticipation with Matt at the pregnancy test, watching his face light up with excitement when two pink lines appeared, giving Ella the news she was going to be a big sister again, looking in the mirror at a once flat belly that was beginning to round out, praying with the children about the parts of the baby that were developing during a certain week, sitting in the bed at midnight with a snack while Matt was ‘trying‘ to sleep. I relived it all over again, I could see it in front of me. When I got to the doctor she asked me how I was feeling, then she asked me how my heart was. I couldn’t say anything, so I just smiled as my eyes filled with tears. She hugged me and said, “It’s ok, I know. The heart heals much slower than the body.” And she’s exactly right. Right now, my joy seems so fragile...as are my emotions (I’m told that’s normal). Because it is completely normal to walk by the baby aisle in a store and lose what feels like all your sanity as tears pour down your face like a faucet. Or to be sitting in a crowded restaurant during the Sunday Lunch rush having what could only be described as an emotional breakdown as you sit with your precious family in a booth. Trust me, nobody pay attention to that girl. I digress. I read one time that joy is the hardest emotion to hold on to, it is the easiest one to lose. Lately, I’ve found that to be very true. Our ability to hold onto joy, especially in the face of adversity, can be a struggle all it’s own. When I think about what was lost, when I remember what our family was “supposed” to look like come December 28^th, when I glance down to the once “rounding-out” belly that’s not anymore, when I think about how far along I would’ve been, joy takes a backseat. But, then I’m reminded that no matter how big a blessing a pregnancy or a baby or a child is, it is NOT my joy. In that moment I begin repeating I Thessalonians 2:20 over and over, “For you are our glory and joy,” and shame on me for ever thinking otherwise.

　

I did a bible study not long ago. It talked about the close relationship between anguish and joy. Which makes total sense (slight sarcasm.) I didn’t really understand it at the time. I mean, I knew it was true, there’s scripture to back it up. But, when you are in a pit of despair, crying in a ball on the floor and your heart literally aches…where is the joy in that? Of course I would soon find out. James 1:2 is the “poster-child” verse for struggle. “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.“ Joy? When you meet trials? Doubtful. Years of reading this verse and every time I’m all like, “James, I think you’re a glutton for punishment and you might be a weird bird.” If we’re being honest. Count it ALL joy? Seriously? What if it’s bad? What if it stinks? What if it’s sad? What if I don’t like it? What if it makes my cry? What if it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done? What if I can’t do it? And then the Spirit gently reminds me, “When didn’t I work it out better than you thought? Name a time I didn’t come through for you? WHAT IF I BLOW YOUR MIND?” And, if nothing else I can find comfort in that gentle reminder and in His sovereignty. He always blows my mind, I don’t know why I keep forgetting it.

In the midst of a trial is more than likely when I’m looking to Him the most intently. It’s the time where I learn to trust the most. It’s when I realize I have no power or control over my life. It’s when I have to constantly remind myself that nothing happens to me without God knowing about it, ordaining it, and at some point turning it around to use it for “my good.“ It’s the time when I cling to His promises the hardest. It’s all I can do. James’ verse is a great example of how anguish and joy can co-exist. I can “count it ALL joy,“ the good things and the bad things because the Bible tells me too. I can “count it ALL joy,“ because mirrored with Romans 8:28 where Paul tells me that, “ALL things work together for the good of those who love Him,“ I know that His purposes are good for me no matter the circumstance. Sometimes I have to redefine “my” definition of what “good” looks like. God’s “good” is not necessarily the world’s standard for “good.“ But, we don’t know what He knows. Sovereign…one of His many wonderful attributes.

God has proven himself over and over again to be so FAITHFUL in my life, all the time, but especially during the hard stuff. Whenever it hurts, He always shows up in such a real way. His comfort and peace will surround me, doubt and fear will be nowhere around. That’s the thing about such a loving, dependable and trusting Heavenly Father. When we get the breath knocked out of us, when we receive news that makes us unable to stand on our own, when we’re faced with that situation we “thought” we couldn’t handle, He holds us up. My circumstance might be awful in a moment, but He IS so good ALL the time.

The few days after the D&C were tough. I was sad. I began to feel alone, and with such a loving husband and two children that’s hard, but my body was growing a life…and then it wasn’t. So, loneliness ensued. My hormones and emotions were all over the place and I cried more in those days than I have my whole life…and if you know me, then you know that’s a lot. So, suffocated by hormones and drowning in a sea of tears, Matt walked in one afternoon with the mail. We had received a letter from a little girl that we sponsor in El Salvador. I LOVE getting letters from her, love it. Opening her letters is the equivalent to opening a gift on Christmas morning. I’m not kidding, it is that awesome! And on a day that I needed it most God so intricately orchestrated the mail. When I opened the letter my heart was filled with joy. I was reading it and she had written her two favorite bible verses, which warmed my heart all the more, but wasn’t even the best part. At the bottom of the letter she told us about the baby brother that she now had. You might think I would have lost it after that, but I didn’t. Yay me! My joy became ecstatic. Knowing that this little girl that once had no knowledge of our Heavenly Father was not only sending me scripture, but would eventually share that knowledge with her baby brother was almost more happiness than I could handle. God brought me unrelated joy during that hard time and relieved me. He knew I needed a “pick-me up” and He was ever so faithful to provide it.

　

I guess I could easily get consumed with sadness and dwell on what was lost. I could get bitter and wonder “Why me?” But, why NOT me? God never promised happiness, (though when we follow Him in obedience happiness usually follows). He never said it would be easy, it rarely is. But, He did send His son to die on a cross in the most gruesome and painful way to cover my sins. He did promise eternity. He did promise I can “count it all joy,“ and He promised, “all things for my good.“ The closeness with Him that comes from our struggles will hopefully bring us to Him every time. He is the only one capable of providing such joy when life just hurts. And it does hurt. When trials come in our life we will bow to something. We will either submit to the pain and anguish in our lives or we will submit to Him. My knees are bent, my legs buckled. I choose to bow at the throne of Grace.

20 questions..."ish"

Like sands on the beach, are the questions that start with, “Why?” It may seem dramatic, but if you have kids or know someone who does then you know there is no exaggeration in that statement whatsoever. I hear it all day, ALL day. And as the children grow, so do the questions. It becomes not just ‘why,’ but questions that require actual thought and explanation. If you want to challenge your mind and stretch your brain….spend a day with a child! There’s a quote that says, “The only stupid question is the one that goes unasked.“ I tend to agree and it’s an endearing thought, really, but when Cale asks me if he can eat something out of the trash my mind tends to go to “stupid question.“


The other day I was getting ready and Ella was right underneath my feet, “Hey, Mama, what are you gonna wear? Where are we going? What time are we going to be back? What’s for dinner? What’s for lunch? Can I take a snack? Are we gonna see daddy? What’s he doing? Why didn’t God make mermaids real? What happened to the animals in the flood that already lived in the ocean? Can I watch a movie? Can I wear make-up? What about lipstick, can I have some lipstick?” Yes, all that in less than a breath. (Sometimes I fear that she’s not going to get enough oxygen.) I’m not proud, but in complete frustration I looked down at her and said, “Could you please stop asking me questions? Go play with your brother and I’ll be ready in a minute. Then we will go.” As she walked off conviction hit me like a ton of bricks and I realized the hypocrite that I was. I do the exact same thing with my Heavenly Father, but I don’t see it that way because I am an adult. However, He has never once said “Stop talking,” or run out of patience with me.


Jesus was forever asking His disciples questions, questions He already knew the answer to. Likewise, they were always asking him questions, often the same one. Questions are good. But, when things are good in my life I’m not usually asking them. I don’t have a reason to. If life’s good, it’s just good and I don’t need to know anything else about it. But like it says in Psalm 43:5, “Why are you cast down, O my soul,” there the questioning begins. When we’re downcast we need to know why we’re there, for how long, how we got there, how we’re going to get out of it and so forth. We’re allowed to ask all we want with no fear of Him yelling at us about it.


The past three weeks since the miscarriage Matt and I have asked a ton of questions. A heap ton. TON. They consist of, but aren’t limited to:

-Why, Why did this happen, Why, Why and more Why? (That’s an obvious one, I know.)
-Was it something I did?
-Was it something I didn’t do?
-Was it something I ate? Something I didn’t eat enough of?
-Was it because something was wrong with the baby or was it just best?
-Was it really going to bring you the most glory this way?
-Could I have done something differently? Could I have done something better?
-Are we not good parents?
-You showed us favor by allowing us to get pregnant. Is this you taking that favor away?
-Are we going to be pregnant again? Will that turn out differently?
-How do we glorify you in this?
-I’m trying to trust you, how do I do that completely?
-When does it get easier? When does it hurt less? Does it?
-Is it because I doubted your goodness or sovereignty?
-Is it because I took it for granted?
-Is it because I try to “control” too much?
-Are you disappointed in me?
-What are we suppose to learn?
-Where do we go from here?
-Restoration. What does that look like?
-I don’t understand. (I understand that’s not a question, but sometimes I like to throw that up there so He knows there’s confusion on my part and I don’t know what He’s doing.)
-How could my plan be so different than yours?
-How upset should I be? How upset is “too” upset?
-Does being sad mean that I’m ungrateful for the things I do have?
-What does grief look like? Google says there are five stages…do I have to go through all five?


You get the picture and the list goes on….probably for days. Sometimes the questions are valid. Sometimes they’re selfish. And sometimes they stem from doubts and lies that come from the enemy. Regardless, they can make us question God and feel like we have control where we have none. And, thankfully so. I’m not in charge of God, He’s in charge of me. And all I have to do…is TRUST. Trust, He knows the answers, trust His plan is not only perfect, but bigger than anything I could ever conjure up. Trust, that I am His child and He WILL take care of his own. In this season of “downcast” and “questioning” He’s leading me to where He wants me to go, who He wants me to be and He will eventually lead me to the right questions. Looking back at that list I can almost see God shaking His head going, “That’s not it. That’s not the question. That’s not where I want to go yet. You’re on the right track, or you’re not even close, keep going.” Where I have to get is to the question where He goes, “THAT’S THE ONE. THAT’S THE ONE I WANT TO TALK ABOUT RIGHT THERE.” Sometimes when we’re down, we are for a reason. There’s something God wants to tell us, something He wants us to learn. I didn’t go through a miscarriage so I could come out on the other side of it “the same.” I’m going to keep asking the questions until I get to the change that He wants to see. That baby was meant for His glory, it was meant to draw me closer to Him. Knowing this, I can trust Him and walk forward in confidence that, "My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts," says the LORD. "And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.” Isaiah 55:8. There is beauty in the process. Though, it may not seem beautiful at the time. I’ve “ugly” cried more than I care to count over the past few weeks and I may “ugly” cry all the way to sanctification, but it’ll be beautiful when I get there.


So, I’m understanding why my kids ask so many questions. They just want to know stuff, don’t we all? They’re growing, getting smarter everyday. They have inquisitive minds. They ask questions, a million of them. And apparently, so do I. I’m thankful I know the One who has all the answers.  

Our Great Comforter

In April we found out we were pregnant with our third baby. We were all thrilled, and more than anybody Ella was ready to wear the crown of “big sister” once again. She had been hounding us for a baby for quite some time. On Monday, June 3 we saw that precious baby on ultrasound for the first time. Our world stopped when there was no heart beat. Matt and I sat in the ultrasound room and cried together. It’s amazing how you can love someone so much that you’ve never even met. It was the hardest thing we’ve gone through as a couple…and a family to this point. We held on to His promise that, “for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.“ Romans 8:28. But, my heart broke twice that day. Once, when we found out we’d never hold the baby I’d been carrying for 10 weeks and again when I had to tell our precious Ella that mommy wasn’t pregnant anymore and that our baby was with Jesus. I saw her heart break as clearly as I could see her lip primp up and tears stream down her face. She asked me, “Why?” I told her that I didn’t know why. That the Lord gives and He takes away. And we don’t always know why He does what He does, but that we do always know that His will is perfect. For whatever the reason, He knew that our baby needed to be with Him in Heaven. I told her I thought she was a wonderful big sister and that I was almost certain the Lord wanted her to be a big sister again….someday, somehow, just not right now. As I held her in my lap crying, it dawned on me that we were in His lap crying. The wonderful thing about our Heavenly Father is that he can sympathize with our every emotion. And I believe that He not only keeps track of our tears, but cries with us. He meets us where we are and just because He knows something is best, doesn’t mean He doesn’t know it’s not hard. One of my favorite verses is in Acts 7, at the stoning of Stephen. No, I’m not being morbid….hang with me. Verse 55 says, “But he, full of the Holy Spirit, gazed into heaven and saw the glory of God, and Jesus standing at the right hand of God.” Did you catch that? STANDING. Most of the time in the Bible we read that Jesus is sitting at the right hand of the father…Mark 16, Luke 22, Colossians 3 and Ephesians3, to name a few. But, not here, watching over Stephen as he’s about to be stoned to death, Jesus is standing. Like it’s important, it matters, it affects him. So much that He has to stand. He’s such a caring God. And in those broken moments holding Ella…He was holding us.

The days after we found out were just as hard. There is great emotional difficulty carrying a baby that you know isn’t living. For me, that was worse than the actual pain itself. The night before the procedure I was having contractions that on a scale from 1 to 10 could only be described as 11. I cried to Matt that usually at the end of this pain was a baby that made it all worth it. That wasn’t the case for us. I had a d&c yesterday. We were hoping it wouldn’t come to that and that my body would just handle it naturally, but it didn’t. It was a hard day….again. The finality of it all hit and I cried all the way to the hospital and on and off while we were there. We decided as we were waiting that it should have a name. It was too early to tell what it was so we would have to pick something that would work for both. But, it was a baby, a life, a part of our family, a child of God and therefore needed a name. And one day when we meet in Heaven we wanted to be able to call it by name. So, we decided on Aubrey. Aubrey Euten. Matt said on the way home from the hospital that he was trying to figure out where he had messed up or done something wrong to make this happen. I assured him this wasn’t punishment and the two didn’t go together at all. I told him I didn’t know the reason(s) but that I did know that in 10 weeks of carrying it and 3 days carrying it knowing it wasn’t alive had already brought me closer to the Lord. What a powerful little life…to affect someone in such a mighty way and never even been born. It’s one of the hardest things in the world not to think that when bad things happen it’s not a result of our sin. And sometimes it is. But, sometimes they are lessons, the Lord is giving us some “spiritual muscle.” The enemy always wants us to think that its our fault and that God is punishing us or not showing us love. But, God is love and everything He does flows from it. John 15:9 says, “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love.”

God has been so faithful to hold me up during these days. His hands have been all over us from the beginning. I’m amazed at who He is and how He loves us. He has literally pounded me with some rich scriptures this week. Before my feeble mind can go somewhere it shouldn’t or the enemy starts to feed me a lie, God has been right there with His truth. I’m thankful for His encouragement. Our life is in His hands…that alone we don’t deserve. Thankful for the cross, humbled by His words and amazed at His grace and mercy. One of my most precious friends came over today. In a card she gave me she reminded me that there is a precious Euten worshipping our Heavenly Father at the throne of grace. And one day we will join Aubrey in that. I’ll leave you with this little treasure…”He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.” 2 Corinthians 1:4.

The "secret" of life...

Nine years ago, this week, I met Matt for the first time. I didn’t know when I first saw him that I was looking at the person the Lord had so intricately and perfectly made and prepared for me. I didn’t know when I first met him that he was about to change my life forever, in so many wonderful ways, (I also didn’t know he would exasperate me to the core of my being.) And, I didn’t know that the first, “Hello, it’s nice to meet you,” was coming from the one that I had prayed for so many years.

I started praying for my husband when I was in high school. I prayed for a Godly man, who had a heart for the Lord and would be a spiritual leader (Even though at that time it was probably most important for him to be cute, athletic, tall, dark and handsome). I prayed the Lord would put me with the man that He chose and made for me. Though, secretly, I wanted to pick “the one” and have the Lord be “OK” with the decision I had made. He doesn’t work that way. If we’re going to let him have it, we have to let Him have ALL of it and we have to be content with relinquishing the control that we selfishly need to keep us comfortable.

The Lord brought Matt to Auburn my junior year. We didn’t know each other. We may have crossed paths, but hadn’t met. Thinking back on this week of that year that we met, I was still praying that same prayer. I did it every night, so I’m sure I would have been doing it that week too. And, I was probably a little bitter that there were no "answers" in sight. Little did I know the prayer wasn’t ignored or forgotten, it had already been answered. In my mind, at that time, marriage had no prospects and was a lifetime away. By my senior year of college, I began to think that the Lord wasn’t concerned with the prayer I had been praying for my husband. So, I surrendered my control and was content with what appeared to be my “call to singleness.” (Dramatic? Probably a little.) Only God knew He was getting ready to give me what I had asked for in a greater way than I had even known to ask.

As I sit here now, thinking about that time in my life when I felt forgotten, I can see what the Lord was doing. God wasn’t ignoring my prayer; He was preparing Matt, He was preparing me and He was using that time to draw me closer to Himself, knowing all the while the answer to my prayer was literally around the corner…and had been. It makes me excited now to think of the things that I have been praying for that He has already “secretly” answered.

This is such a special week for me. I love to think of the MIGHTY work God was doing on our behalf nine years ago, it brings tears to my eyes and humbles my heart. I prayed over Jeremiah 29:11 for so long and with my whole heart, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” When we can’t believe anything else, we can believe His Word. What a blessing when we wait on the Lord. After all, anything that’s worth anything is worth the wait.